This post was inspired by a birthmother I met in a forum. She recently placed her baby for adoption, and her baby’s adoptive parents have asked for some distance for awhile. She has a lot of fears right now.
Dear Adoptive Parents of a Brand New Baby,
I get that you don’t totally feel like Baby’s parents yet. I get that maybe you need some time to focus on your roles. I get that you probably haven’t had more than four consecutive hours of sleep in several months. I get that it is so hard to know your happiness means someone else’s pain. Your dream come true means someone else’s dream was dashed on the rocks of despair.
But you are all in this for life – you, your child, and your child’s birth family.
Realize that open adoption can be wonderful. It is hard, absolutely. But, as someone who has been in it for almost 10 years, I see how much it means to my son, and that means it’s worth it. Kids need to know their birth parents. If we lived close enough for visits, that would be so special. Keep your minds and hearts open, even if you need a little time right now.
Make sure you communicate to your child’s birth family how important they really are. They need to know how you feel too.
You’re all family now.
You may be asking yourself – who the hell is this woman to tell me how to behave?!?! Well, I’m someone who wishes that I had this post 10 years ago… even 4 years ago… that I could do better. That I could be a better mom to my kids and a better person by understanding more about how my children’s birth families were feeling. I can’t go back, do it again, and fix things. But I can tell you – yes, by all means, take some time for yourselves, but don’t box out your baby’s birth family. You’ll see how important they are later.
Much love, peace, and happiness,
An Adoptive Mom Who Has Been There (and Wishes She’d Done Better)