More Facilitator BS

For the record, I started this post on January 7. It matters because someone on the forums just asked me about Rainbow’s End, a facilitator here in CA. When I took a look at their web site, I went straight to their “Birth Parents” section, and then clicked “Adoption Myths.” When I read it, I had the strangest sense of deja vu. So I went to my blog and looked at my drafts. Lo and behold, here was this post, originally titled, “That’s BS” with a link to the offending page.

I’m actually going to start with the biggest lie, instead of just going down the page. Within the quotes, the emphasis is mine. All of the grammatical and spelling mistakes are theirs. I should also note, that although the section is titled “Birth Parents” all of the text is directed toward expectant mothers.

Myth 3
A birthmother will not know how or have contact with the child is doing after the adoption.
Adoption practices of have changed over the years. Today, California law requires open adoptions. You can choose the degree of openness you want in your adoption plan. You can choose from pictures, letters, or more openness in some cases. The birthmother and adoptive parent(s) agree upon the amount of openness.

No state requires open adoptions! California law allows open adoption agreements, but they’re optional. Ironically, on the “Adoptive Parents, Frequently Asked Questions” page, one of the questions is “Are we able to chose the type of adoption we are comfortable with?” The answer is “Yes.”

Based on that blatant lie, I would advise all prospective adoptive parents and expectant parents to stay away from these people.

Now, for the rest of the page.

Myth 1
Birthmothers should not consider adoption because people will think you are a bad person.

You may think that if you consider adoption for your child you are an uncaring and selfish person. Others may think you don’t love your child. This could be further from the truth. Making an adoption plan is a courageous decision that takes a lot of love because you are putting the needs of your child first. Choosing a family that can provide a stable, loving home is an act of love.

That’s just poorly written. The first sentence is written in the second and third person. The third sentence is clearly supposed to be “This could NOT be further from the truth.” But this is really BS because it’s written as if it’s always true. Sometimes, making an adoption plan is necessary to ensure that the child’s needs are met, but sometimes, it’s not. Sometimes, people are looking for confirmation that they will make good parents, and they don’t need propaganda telling them that they can’t meet their child’s needs, so let’s make an adoption plan right away.

Myth 2
Adoption is an irresponsible solution to an unplanned pregnancy.

Perhaps you’re ruling out adoption because you think placing your child for adoption is an irresponsible decision. Maybe you feel this way because you think you are trying to get out of parenting your child or you feel this is a consequence for being sexually active. Just because you got pregnant does not necessarily mean you are ready to parent a child. And even if you cannot parent at this time, you are still a good person making a loving and responsible decision regarding your child.

Wow that’s judgmental. It may be true, but how is that supposed to be helpful here? At least have the common decency to try and hide that you’re attempting to coerce someone into placing her baby for adoption.

Myth 4
Birthmothers will have regrets if they choose adoption.

Some birthmothers are concerned that they will have regrets if they choose adoption. Your regrets of losing your child can be painful, but knowing that you selected the right adoptive parents and your child is doing well helps in with your decision. With support and counseling, most birthmothers make it through the grieving process in a positive manner. When an adoption is handled properly, many birthmothers feel good about their decision.

This is another blatant lie. I read a lot of birthmother blogs. Almost all of them, at one point or another, regret their decision, or at least regret being in the situation where they had to make the decision. It doesn’t mean the decision was wrong, or that there’s something wrong with them. Some birthmothers do outright regret their decisions and wish they had never placed, due in large part to “adoption professionals” like these. Birthmothers don’t “make it through the grieving process.” From what I’ve learned, many of them never stop grieving, in one form or another. To make a small comparison, my mom died in 2009. I miss my mother every day. There are times when I just want to break down and cry. I don’t think that’s unhealthy. I don’t think I’m ever going to stop feeling that way. Grief is natural. There is no moving on from placing a child for adoption. There is moving forward, but that’s different. And I wouldn’t go so far as to say “many birthmothers feel good about their decision.” They may feel that it was the best decision they could make, but I can’t imagine anyone saying, “I placed my child for adoption. Hooray for me!”

Myth 5
A birthmother should forget about the child she placed for adoption.

Your decision to place your child for adoption would be very hard to live with if you should choose to forget about your child. You should want to remember your pregnancy, your baby’s birth, and the moments you spent with him or her. Remember, you are making the most selfless, mature decision for your child. The family you choose will want to remember you and the wonderful gift you gave them.

Maybe. Maybe the person is making the most selfless, mature decision for her child. And, unfortunately, it is only maybe that “the family you choose will want to remember” her and “the wonderful gift” she gave them. There we have, again, poor writing. What is the gift? The child? Because, a) a child is not a gift, and b) if the child is the gift, I sure as hell hope the adoptive parents would want to remember the child.

Myth 6
An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent.

Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.

OK, I’ll throw them a bone here. That’s not BS, exactly. I would argue, however, that the answer is once again poorly written. Adoptive parents and children are related to one another, legally, so the sentence would be better as “Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not genetically related to each other.”

Myth 7
My boyfriend, family or friends will be there to help me out and pay for things.

We have heard this many times before, and right after the baby is born people are usually there to help. But after a couple of months, birth moms usually feel abandoned by their boyfriends, family, and friends. The truth is that you are the only one who can guarantee your child’s health and well-being. You cannot rely on others because they may not always be there to help you when you need it. They cannot be there every time you have to work or need a break.

This one is the one I find most coercive. “Oh yeah, people say they’re going to help, but they’re not. We know it!” I agree with the concept that parents need to be the people responsible for their own children, but that’s about it. Maybe people will be there, maybe they won’t. This facilitator doesn’t know what’s going to happen. Furthermore, there’s the very clear implication that adoption is all about money in the “help me out and pay for things.” Money is often a factor in placing a child, but it has been my experience that money is a symptom of a larger problem.

In the end, I look at this page, and I say, “Who the hell do these people think they are?”

I popped on over to the “Birth Parents, Frequently Asked Questions” page, and I saw this:

What is the difference between an adoption facilitator and an adoption agency?
Agencies can be an “All in one Package.” Your legal advice, counseling and ability to pick from their adoptive parent profiles are typically included.

Facilitators work with the birthmother and the adoptive couple on a smaller scale. Facilitators are able to give you more one on one attention. We also work with adoption attorneys and agencies to give you a Varity of adoption couples to choose from. Many facilitators are adoptive parents themselves.

Because if I’m a pregnant woman considering placing, I definitely want to go to adoptive parents because they will know exactly how I feel.

Total BS.


9 thoughts on “More Facilitator BS

  1. This IS total B.S. I was laughing while reading this…I can’t believe this is out there sucking people in! How sad.

  2. Good Lord….some I gave the benefit of the doubt to poor writing, but many are so….whatever. I agree with the “run away” or however you worded it at the beginning. It reads like it’s written by a young high schooler doing a school project.

  3. Wow! Any person with half a brain should not be taken in by such lies! How are they still in business? That’s just sad, crazy, and weird all at the same time.

    • They’re still in business because facilitators are completely unregulated. I need to learn more about agency regulations, because it seems that they can say anything they want as well.

  4. you’ve gotta love myth debunking that serves only to perpetuate more myths! how smooth of them.

    as a matter of fact, there are occasional birth moms who are happy about their choice and how strong and mature they are. they’re not the norm, though, and i find them creepy.

    i agree with what you said about the “just because you got pregnant doesn’t mean you can parent” argument. it’s a true statement. but it’s such a low blow. you may as well come right out and compare me to octomom.

    i LOVE myth #7. “you may have family, but they’ll soon ignore you. and your boyfriend will probably just leave you. in a couple months, you’ll wish you gave your baby away!” and why do they still call this lady who hypothetically kept her baby a “birth mom”? no proofreading for us, thank you, we only like to collect signatures.

    • I think Jenna on Chronicles of Munchkinland once posted about the use of the word “happy.” Although she was at peace with her choice, and she knew other people who were similarly at peace, or content, she thought the use of the word “happy” was wrong. A blog that comes to mind is “The Happiest Sad.” She doesn’t regret her choice, and she’s happy for her daughter and the adoptive parents, but she’s still sad. Anyway, I suppose that’s mostly semantics.

  5. Pingback: Why I Like Nightlight Christian Adoptions | The Chittister Family

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