Open Adoption Roundtable #41: 2013

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re up to Open Adoption Roundtable #41

Are you approaching openness differently in 2013? What experiences from in the past year influenced you most?

Well, since we’re finalizing Cassie’s adoption next week, I’m going to completely cut off contact with all of my children’s birth parents.

That was a joke. It’s what the anti-adoption, family preservation, all adopters are evil baby stealers crowd wants me to say. But that’s not going to happen, not on my watch.

I started thinking about this prompt, and the flip, sarcastic answer came immediately to mind. I’m in that kind of mood these days. After that settled, I started thinking, “What else more can I do?”

And the answer came back: Nothing. I really can’t do anything else.

Why? Well, I realized that I just … couldn’t. The thought of adding anything else to my brain made me so tired. I explored that feeling. I realized that for the last several months, I’ve felt so disconnected from people. I started to make friends with the ACA II crowd in the spring, but I’ve barely seen anyone this fall. I’ve barely seen Jackson’s best friend’s mom, whom I consider a good friend. I could expand on this, but I really think that’s another post. It’s enough to say that, with only two exceptions outside my immediate family, I just haven’t felt a part of the same reality as the people around me.

And if I can’t feel connected to people who live 5 miles away, people I could see every day if I chose to do so, how am I supposed to feel connected to people who live in different time zones and have completely different realities of their own?

Jackson’s birthmother’s contact info keeps changing, and I don’t know if I’m welcome to talk to her. Cassie’s birthmother’s phone is shut off sometimes. She has unlimited text but not talk; I have unlimited talk but not text. Our relationship with Cassie’s birth father is complicated, but oddly, I think I might have talked with him the most this year.

In 2012, I started sending regular updates to Jackson’s birthmother, care of her mother – every two months, just like I did for Cassie’s birth parents. I did my best to get them out relatively on time, and if anyone cared that they were late, no one complained to me about it. So, I guess I did all right.

Our relationship with S’s mom has improved. If you had told me, when Jackson was born, that Greta and I would be conversing freely and happily, I would have said, “Bull shit.” I thought she hated me. And yet, here we are.

So, I didn’t do too badly in 2012. I hope to be more on-time with updates. It would be nice to talk to Laine more, and to know what’s going on with S. But I just don’t feel like I can add anything at this point.


6 thoughts on “Open Adoption Roundtable #41: 2013

  1. If you would like to be able to text for free to be able to be in contact with Cassie’s birthmom more, I suggest google voice. You can choose whether it goes to your phone or not, but if not, you just send it from a computer, not unlike an im or email.

  2. Pingback: Disconnect « The Chittister Family

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