What We Want Others to Know About Adoption

(I’m converting our domain, rmcsquared.net, into our professional web site and moving all personal content to this blog. Eventually, I’ll have to figure out what to do with it and how to organize it. Until then, I’m just creating a series of posts with the .net content.)

I’m active on the forums at adoption.com. One November, which is National Adoption Month, each forum leader asked this question:

What 3 things would you want others to know most about adoption?

I thought that some of the answers should be accessible to people who aren’t on the adoption forums, so I’m taking my favorites and posting them here, beginning with my three.

  1. Not all parents who adopt are infertile. Not all women want to be pregnant. And that’s OK.
  2. Adopting a child of a different race makes no difference in the amount that we love him, or that he loves us.
  3. NO the birthparents CANNOT come and take him back!
  4. We do not love our children any less or any differently because they are adopted. “The love and the bond are no different whether by birth or adoption.”
  5. Yes, we are our children’s REAL parents and they are our REAL children.
  6. The birthparents cannot come back and take the child. Nor are we afraid that they might kidnap him or her.
  7. Adoption does not mean buying a child.
  8. You can adopt a newborn in the US without waiting several years.
  9. Adoption is not a second choice, nor is it second best. Adoption is not a consolation prize. We didn’t have to “settle for” adoption.
  10. Sometimes adoptive parents have frustrating days too. Just because we adopted, doesn’t mean that we can’t complain about having a bad day.
  11. Birthparents do love their children. They did not give the child away, they chose to place the child for adoption. We are thankful that our children’s birthmoms loved them enough to bring them into the world and to give them a good family.
  12. There are no typical birthparents. Not all birthparents are teenagers, they don’t necessarily use drugs, they aren’t necessarily on welfare, … there are so many stereotypes.
  13. Adoptive parents are not the bad guys. We do not force birthmothers to give up their children.
  14. Adoption is not something people do because Brad and Angelina did it. Adoption is not a fad.
  15. Adoption is not about rescuing children; it’s about building a family. We are not saints. Our children need not be grateful to us because we “took them in”; they are all precious gifts, and we are all lucky to have our families.
  16. It’s not OK to ask personal questions about my child or his/her birthparents, especially when that child is right there.
  17. The adoption process can be long, emotionally draining, and invasive.
  18. Adoption does not necessarily cost more than delivering a baby in a hospital.
  19. We are happy that we have a relationship with our child’s birthparents. We don’t “have to deal with them”; we want them in our lives.
  20. Just because we adopt doesn’t mean we’re going to get pregnant. And if we do get pregnant after adoption, the adoption likely didn’t have anything to do with it.
  21. One kind of adoption is not necessarily better than any other.
  22. Adoption from foster care is not necessarily easier than other types of adoption. Adopting from foster care is not a way to make money.
  23. Just because we adopted doesn’t mean we can’t get pregnant and have biological children. If we can’t have biological children, we’re not necessarily in mourning. Some of us are OK with not being pregnant.
  24. A lot of people are adopted!
  25. No, we will not “send him back” if we get pregnant, adopt again, or if he gets into trouble and drives our car into a lake.
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