Surprisingly, Breaking Dawn Part I Didn’t Suck

My friend Shaina and I went to see Breaking Dawn Part I today. Shaina and I went to mock the movie. Neither Robert Pattinson nor Kristin Stewart can actually act (at least in these movies) so you pretty much have to mock. For what it’s worth, I think part of the poor acting is due to poor direction. So much of the Twilight books take place inside the characters’ heads that it’s hard to translate that to the screen. You need a really good director to actually direct the actors to do more than “Look stricken!” and “Brood!”.

Anyway, Team Jacob fans may actually like this movie. It begins with Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt. Jacob and the wolves get the best material and the best effects.

For some reason, the makeup people cannot seem to do vampire makeup. The vampires’ skin never looks the same twice, and it’s almost never pale enough. Shaina also immediately noticed that their hair was all different. Vampires can’t grow hair. Esme’s hair is a completely different color. Vampires can’t dye their hair either, at least, not for long periods of time. (Long story.) The makeup people did a horrible job with Bella’s bruises after her first night with Edward. However, they did a great job of making Bella look like crap while she was pregnant.

Charlie got a couple of good lines. My favorite – he was looking at the artwork in the Cullens’ stairwell. In the books, Edward explains to Bella that Esme made it out of all of the graduation caps they’ve accumulated over the past 80 years. Charlie says to Renee, “Are those graduation caps?”. Renee replies, “How creative!” Charlie says, “Or weird.”

Everyone should have laughed at Emmett’s toast, and I don’t care how famous the girl who plays Jessica Stanley is now, they shouldn’t have given her a toast.

The movie stayed to the plot for the most part, and I think they kept what was good from the book. They kept the moment that Edward realizes he can hear the baby, and that’s just about the only part that Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson do well. It made me happy.

I had to look through my fingers at the birth scene. I’m not so bad with blood anymore, but needles – ack! – and there were a lot of them. Renesmee came out covered in chunky blood, and Shaina said she looked animatronic. The Renesmee on whom Jacob imprinted was CGI.

There were a bunch of cheesy, EPCOT-like effects of the vampire venom working inside Bella’s body. The movie ended with vampire Bella opening her eyes.

Some of the credits rolled…

And then we see the Volturi getting a message from Carlisle that Bella has been changed.

End movie.

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