I seem to have the bubonic plague, but on Monday, before I caught this life-sucking illness, we had some friends over. These friends are relatively new ones – we’ve known them for less than a year – but we’re thinking and hoping that they’ll be good friends. Anyway, I hadn’t brought Shaina (mom of 4) up to the baby’s room yet. When she saw it, she went all googly and high-pitched. She was excited.

Which led me to realize that I’m not. But why not?

I think the first reason is the two failed attempts. It was easy for me to be excited when we first matched. I went and told everyone. I bought gDiapers. I started arranging for custom wetbags. I was happy to have a date. When that match fell through, I really did hit a low. Maybe not rock bottom, but pretty damn low.

We didn’t even announce our second “match” and it was rather a good thing we didn’t, as it turned out to be a scam. Some friends here knew, but other than that, we didn’t share until we knew it wasn’t going to happen.

With this third match, we’re being very, very cautious. I finished the baby’s room because of our home study update visit. This weekend, I packed the baby’s bag just to feel like I was doing something productive. I just can’t imagine that a baby will be in the crib. I can’t get that far.

I think the second reason has to do with how different this match is than the one we had with S, Jackson’s birthmother. S was younger (17) than Laine (30). S immediately began referring to the baby she was carrying as “Jackson” and was even a little excited herself at the prospect of the adoption. Laine wants to take the time she has with this baby, and has even chosen a name for her. I don’t see a problem with this, I have nothing against it, and I want her to do what she feels is best, what she feels she needs to do. It seems to me that Laine is committed to the adoption plan, but she’s not all that happy about it.

Which brings me to the third reason – For me to be excited about having this baby, Laine needs to give up her baby. I have to be excited about the fact that this woman has carried a baby to term and will now be giving her to us to parent. For us to complete our family, Laine has to give up some of hers. I don’t think “guilty” is the right word. Laine doesn’t believe she’s in a position to parent another child. She thought her family was complete when she had three kids. She believes she’s doing what’s best for all of her children by choosing adoption. But it’s still going to hurt her. It’s still going to be one of the hardest decisions – if not the hardest decision – she’s ever going to make. And that part sucks.

I want to be excited. I want to throw myself into this preparation and believe 100% that this baby will be ours. But so much has happened and so much still could happen. I’m happy about this match. I’m getting to know Laine and I hope we can be family. (The family you actually like, as opposed to the family you have to deal with.)

I’m hopeful, but I’m not excited. I think I should invite Shaina over more, so she can be excited for me.


2 thoughts on “Excitement

  1. Robyn, I completely understand. Once you’ve had a failed match (ours was in Vietnam), you can’t help but hold back a little. With our first two adoptions (Guatemala and Korea), everything went smoothly, so we jumped right in to excitement mode when we received our referral of Lily, in Vietnam. It was like a death when we lost her. When we were chosen by Olivia’s bmom, we felt hopeful, and a little bit of excitement, but we were guarded. Thank God everything worked out for us, but this time around, I know I will have the same “hopeful, but guarded” type of excitement when we are chosen.

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