Open Adoption Roundtable #8: Privacy

This post was originally published on on October 7, 2009. Republished here with permission.

Conference tableThe Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.

Add the overlapping relationships of open adoption to the mix and you’ve got yourself a potential ethical and personal mess. And yet it’s impossible to talk about one’s open adoption experience without mentioning the people involved.  Where do you draw the lines–on your blog and in your personal life–and why? What, if anything, don’t you tell?

I blogged briefly and specifically about this a few months ago.

When Jack was born, I wrote a series of posts on my personal blog. I went into minute detail sometimes, and certainly was very free with my feelings. Very soon after we came home, my aunt called. She asked the normal new baby questions, then asked about Jack’s birthmother. Specifically, she asked if the adoption was final. I said no, but the TPR was signed, so- and she interrupted with maybe I should take down my blog posts, heavily implying that if S read them, she would take Jack back.

I didn’t take down the posts. Yes, raw emotions were displayed. Anger with S’s mother, the hospital, and other parties was up for the world to see. But I decided to write that. I decided that the emotions were too often left out of that part of the adoption – the birth and hospital experience.

I did leave out some details. Then, as now, I left out anything that would embarrass S.

When Jack was first born, anyone who asked about his birth father got an earful from me, though, again, I left out some particularly hurtful details. I’m not sure when I got am hold of myself and realized that maybe everybody didn’t need to know how I felt. At some point, I just began saying that K had chosen not to meet Jack.

Recently, someone asked a question on an online support group. For the first time, I did share some details about K. I struggled with it, because it’s something that I can’t share with Jack right now, and I don’t know how I’m going to share it later. In the context of the question, however, it made sense to divulge them, and to “glom on” to the original poster, hoping for further insight into our situation as well.

When it comes to the question “to share or not to share” I think about whether I would want said information shared with others. I think about what Jack might say if he were to read it. I don’t want to embarrass or enrage anyone.

Tell me what you think

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