I Suddenly Realized

(originally posted on LiveJournal)

I’ve been up ’til 2am most nights for the past 2 or 3 weeks. I usually work until midnight, then I do my Adoption Blogs post and read to kind of calm down. My brain is full, and though I’m insanely tired, it takes awhile to calm it down.

Last night, I was in bed and Max was awake and he started talking about something – I don’t even remember what it was – when something he said reminded me of a lyric in “The Way We Were”. So I started singing the song in my head to try and remember the exact phrasing. And then it totally hit from nowhere – I only know that song because I sang it at my Mom’s funeral. And all of a sudden, I remembered singing. I remembered being in the church that I attended as a child and teenager. I remember looking at the back doors. Then I closed my eyes because I couldn’t look anymore. Closing my eyes when I sing is a bad habit I had to grow out of in college. It’s like, the emotion of what I’m singing builds up and spills over, so I try to keep it in.

I remember hearing my voice echo through the church. I belt. And frankly, I’m good at it. I remember being proud that I did a good job here. (I sucked when I sang at my Grandpa’s funeral, and that still makes me ashamed.)

So I was remembering singing and other things about the funeral. And I just started crying. Then Jack called “Mudder” and Max and I both went to him. He needed to pee. I actually love that my child woke up at 2 am to pee. I sat with him for awhile, but then I just started to cry so much.

I didn’t stop for about half an hour.

The lyric was “If we had the chance to do it all again, would we? Could we?”

I picked the song because Barbra Streisand sung it, but it really was apropos.

I just want to give my Mom another hug. Just one more. Life is so very strange without her.


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