Tales from Mommyhood

In my last post, I said that my next post (that is, this post) would involve Baby Bodily Fluids. I know all of you are waiting to read about them, so I will not make you wait any longer.
Jack likes to fly — we pick him up and raise him horizontally over our heads. One day, Jack was flying. He was soooo very happy! He opened his mouth to laugh… and drooled in Momma’s eye.
I didn’t know drool was acidic.
Jack was supposed to start swimming today. Ever since I’ve wanted to be a mom, I’ve looked forward to “mommy and me” swimming. We had him on a schedule/routine for one week. Max’s aunt and uncle came to visit this weekend, so of course the routine went out the window. (Which isn’t anyone’s fault; no 2 days are ever the same, and we had fun with Molly and Wayne.) So, today, he wakes up, eats, and immediately falls asleep, says Max. My parents and grandma show up around 10:30, expecting a Jack who has just woken up, not one who is just about to go to sleep. Great-Grandma feeds Jack and he falls asleep on her. In 20 minutes, I take him and put him in his crib.
Mini-Rant: I cannot put Jack in the crib unless the crib rail is down. The piece of crap crib (the one I researched and looked at and tested and found to be the best) broke last week, so it is incredibly difficult to lower and raise the bar. Max can put Jack in and take Jack out of the crib without dealing with the rail. You can see where this is going…
Trying to get the rail down, I wake up Jack. I change him, slow dance with him, and put him down. He cries.
He falls asleep before I get downstairs, then starts to cry 20 minutes later. I have no idea what to do. He ends up crying for half an hour, because that’s when his nap would have been over anyway. We play for a bit, then eat, and he falls asleep on me.
I proceed to get these BIZARRE muscle spasms. The last time I had them was after I spent all day cleaning the garage. I wake Jack up when I move around, trying to find a way to sit. Max takes Jack while I go stretch out. I take Jack back, and we do the naptime routine. He’s clearly tired.
Then, I take him upstairs. He gets all happy and smiley and just enjoying our time together. This is great! Sort of. You see, I had to put him down before 3 so he could sleep and we could still make it to swimming. So, we read and dance and I put him in his crib. He’s smiling at me. I close the door and wait for the cry.
Nothing. Sometimes it takes a few minutes.
I collapse on our unmade bed. Jack lets out a YELL.
I sigh, waiting for the next yell, and think about what’s going to happen next, how are we going to do at swimming, should I try to take a nap, and then I realize: No more crying. Confused, I get up and check the clock to make sure I haven’t accidentally slept for 3 hours. Nope. I go into Jack’s room: Sound asleep.
Good Mommy!
Then I realize: Jack ate at 2pm. If he sleeps until 4:30 (for 1 and 1/2 hours), he’s going to need to eat. BUT I can’t feed him, because swimming starts at 5. It would be one thing to throw a satiated, somewhat confused awake baby into a car seat for a ride that ends in him being immersed in water. But I can’t take a hungry baby and do that. I literally forgot that Jack needed to eat.
At 4:30, he’s sound asleep. I make the decision that Jack is not going to swimming. We missed the very first day.
And I am, to be completely honest, heartbroken.
I know it doesn’t make sense; but it’s something that I’ve wanted to do for so long. Like the kid who shows up at Disney World the one day it’s closed. Max and I talk and we have no idea how to schedule a day such that Jack is in the perfect mood to go out swimming at 4:45.
Feeling sorry for myself, I call my newly married friend and fellow mom Annemarie. She’s empathetic and nice, although, she did say one thing that she meant as a positive, but I had already realized as a negative: “Everything is always changing.”
She meant that, Jack’s sleep issues will probably be sorted out soon, and we’ll move on. I thought that, Yes, everything does change. That’s why I can never make plans or give a firm RSVP, to anyone, about anything.
During this call, I decide to sit outside for awhile. I have to sit away from the A/C (too loud). After I sit down and breathe, I realize I am SURROUNDED by wasps. (That’s lowercase.) I try to slowly get up, they come closer, and I feel a very distinct prick…
I scream, throw the phone on the grass, grab my arm, and run into the house. One wasp follows me in. Screaming, I run into the living room and yell to Max what has happened. I help him hunt down the invading wasp. Then I realize, Oh, yeah, I really was stung. OUCH! FUCK!
Max retrieves the phone. Apparently, Annemarie stayed on all that time, and Max gives her back to me as I start icing my arm. (Max actually looked up the care of a wasp sting and was very level headed about helping me.)
So I think, If I had just been a good mother, and gotten Jack on the schedule that he needed, I would have been swimming now, instead of sitting here with a wasp sting.
On the bright side, being stung didn’t hurt as much as I remember it hurting from my childhood.
We will try swimming again tomorrow…


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