I'm the Mommy

Anyone who reads Max’s journal will know that Jack is not taking naps. We’ve actually resorted to cry it out (twice) and each time Jack spent an hour crying. Screaming, really. I have no desire to repeat the performance, as I fear he will become afraid of his crib. I’ve been reading three books searching for some good answers. Nothing. What to Expect acknowledges that naptime can be tricky, and that a baby of x months should take y number of naps. The Baby Book gives tips that just don’t work, such as “wear your baby.” Jack hasn’t liked the sling since he was 2 months old – too confining. Then there’s “sleep with your baby.” That only works if the baby will sleep! BabyWise discusses the importance of routine, as does The No-Cry Sleep Solution. They do not tell you a) how to establish a routine, or b) what to do if the routine doesn’t work.
But what I really wanted to write about, was that, when I came upstairs tonight, I heard Jack crying softly in his crib. I went in, gave him his binky, he closed his eyes, but he didn’t let go of my finger. When I tried to leave, he became upset (thus, my fear of him associating his crib with us leaving him to cry). I picked him up and patted him and he burped and pooted, making me think gas. I tried to sit down and rock him, and he kept throwing himself to the other side of my body, towards the stool that we use as a table. On it were his sippy cup (from yesterday sigh) and the monitor. He didn’t want the sippy cup and became enraged. Within a few moments, I was afraid that he was in pain, so I turned on the light and called Max, changed Jack’s diaper, and put some Aquaphor on the light diaper rash he had (I thought that might be uncomfortable). After that, I had no ideas. Max took over and eventually rocked Jack back to sleep.
I went to our room, to put laundry away at 10:30 at night. I finished the laundry 2 days ago. And I will have to do laundry again tomorrow. All I ever get accomplished is laundry and dishes. And this led me to cry.
Of the people in CA who have offered to help, only 3 really have – my mother, grandmother, and friend Annemarie. Mom’s help is pretty much sitting in a chair holding Jack, during which I can do laundry and dishes, and sometimes more. Grandma has actually watched Jack. And Annemarie came and cooked food, and bought us stuff, and lent us stuff, and is just generally useful. Annemarie is getting married in 7 weeks, and I am honored to be in her wedding. However, we didn’t have bridesmaids’ dresses until today because I didn’t have time to pay attention as time passed. I don’t really blame myself as much as realize that I just wasn’t thinking. And I hate that.
And then I thought of all my friends in NH. Traci is going through the new mom thing herself. Melissa is a godsend. Joanne is amazingly maternal and helpful (and deserves to be a mom herself). The entire Swonger family may have legally adopted us all. I realized that there are so many friends and acquaintances in NH, that I might have my own network out there.
And this just made me sad. If we lived in NH, we wouldn’t have Jack. (This is the consequence of a lot of “ifs”: If I didn’t have CRPS, then we wouldn’t have had to move, then we would have adopted in 2004, and then it would have been from Russia.) But sometimes I feel so lonely. And I know Max feels even worse. I have my family and Annemarie, and a couple of other friends out here. (I should insert that my friend Wendy has also been helpful with advice and toys and clothes from her 2 kids.) Max’s friends live in Silicon Valley in kind of a cluster. Max is working so much. I rarely see him without the glow of the computer screen on his face.
I’m rambling now, so I’ll go to sleep.


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