(originally published on LiveJournal)
So, I quit my job at Oracle. My last day was January 21. At the time, the thought was I would work on a finite to-do list I had created during the months after our August move. Sometime in April, I would start looking for a new job, with the hope of having something part time before the summer started. At the same time, I would spearhead starting our adoption process, by having applications in by June.
If I knew how to insert a sound clip of maniacal, hysterical, looney-toons laughter, I would. Or maybe you’ve already done that for me.
On January 22, I was hit with a sinus infection that lasted all week. On February 4, I noticed that our kitten Giles was sniffling and sneezing and not eating all that well. On Monday, February 7, I took him to a net vet. On Friday, February 11, I called Max from the line at the Target Pharmacy. He tried to tell me something, but then it was my turn so I couldn’t talk.
He was trying to tell me that Giles had died.
I yelled, ranted, bitter and hateful at a God who had put us through more pain and grief in two years than many people experience in ten. A God who accepted as a challenge our wedding day reception entrance music: “Things Can Only Get Better.” And just when you think they couldn’t get any worse… How do you forgive God?
Those two weeks began a year of lost time. My pain is largely, more or less, under control, though still present. The meds that do this cause me to be insanely tired, to the point where I sleep 10 hours a night, then 1-2 more hours during the day. Nothing comes without a price, apparently. I’d rather be exhausted than in pain, a point that I ascertained yesterday. On April 13, I had the first 8 pain day of 2005. All day, I held tears back as The Pain scraped, burned, and tore my knee into little fiery bits. Yes, exhaustion is far preferable.
But being awake only 12 hours a day is a challenge unto itself. It takes me almost 2 hours to complete my morning routine of waking up, eating breakfast, having a cup of tea, then going into the hot tub to do much needed PT exercises, coming back in, drying off, getting dressed. At night, my shower and bed time routine take anywhere from just under 1 hour to a full 2 hours.
Between waking up and going to bed, I have about 8 solid hours.
Remember that “finite” to-do list? Yeah, well, it’s turned into a multi-page small novel that doesn’t make any sense. Indeed, one of the to-do items may well be “Make a new to do list.” Actually, I’ll have to make several. I’m trying to go about doing something I did in NH for awhile: theme days. So far, all that’s made it is Sunday = Scrapbooking Day. I’ll also designate a new Laundry and TiVo Day, a Computer Day, Crafts Day, Cleaning Day, Reading Day, and Errands Day. I think that’s 7.
Right now, most of my time is going towards adoption planning. I very much want to be a mother. Max actually came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t get another job, because I’m happier not working, and I’ll need to take care of our child. It’s not what we planned, but I hope it’s better.
We’re having a consultation with an agency tomorrow. Adoption Network Law Center. Time has been so slippy that I haven’t had the chance to call back Adopt International (which does have domestic programs), or to make initial calls to the Gladney Center for Adoption, Adoption Connection, or Adoptions from the Heart.
It would be wonderful to wake up in the morning, feeling somewhat awake. Then, feeling more awake as time passes, to take care of that which needs to be done. And to eat proper meals of nutritious substances. I said to my therapist yesterday, when talking about health insurance, how I hated “when bad things happen to good people.” I try to be a good person. I think good things should happen to us sometimes. Maybe they do, and I just can’t see it for all the bad that I perceive. The symbol of a Libra is the scales. Apparently, I’ve been writing all of this to get to one point:
When does the good start to outweigh the bad?
- Current Mood: thoughtful
- Current Music: Time Keeps on Slipping…, Seal