Do Me a Favor: Don’t Watch “Birthmoms” on TLC
16 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in adoption, not kids Tags: adoption, TV
Tomorrow night, Thursday, May 17, TLC is going to air Birthmoms, a “reality” show about women who are considering placing their children for adoption. If it does well, they could make the show a series.
I am asking you to not watch the show. Shows like these are inherently coercive. Simply calling the show “Birthmoms” when the women have not given birth, nor chosen to terminate their parental rights, is perpetuating the idea that these babies never belong to the women who carry them.
Monika, a birthmother who blogs at Monika’s Musings, wrote her opinion of the show. When that post was picked up by BlogHer, several people commented on the show’s coercive nature. I direct you to comments by Declassified Adoptee and Jenna Hatfield, who do a wonderful job of explaining why this show’s premise is deplorable.
Declassified Adoptee: Not only is this an opportunity for unscrupulous agencies to advertise adoption to expectant mothers but it potentially puts unnecessary pressure on the expectant mothers considering adoption. … [I]f your purpose for being on a show about mothers who surrender to adoption is the expectation that you will provide just that for the TV cameras following you around all in your personal life and business, how much pressure does that stand to put on these expectant mothers?
Jenna Hatfield: The truth is that following a mother around with a camera is in and of itself coercive to the woman trying to make a decision whether or not she should place. She is then not afforded to change her mind for fear of the viewing audience making her out to be the bad guy.
I used to watch Adoption Stories. I honestly thought they were dramatic reenactments, not real people being followed with TV cameras. Now that I know, I feel terrible for having watched them. These people, even if they volunteered, had to make some of the most difficult, heart-wrenching, personal decisions in front of TV cameras. That’s just plain wrong.
So do me a favor, if you were planning on watching the show, please don’t. Watching a woman decide whether or not to relinquish her child (more accurately, watching a woman be coerced into relinquishing her child) is not subject matter for one’s entertainment. Watch The Big Bang Theory Community instead. You’ll feel much better.
Parenthood’s Season Finale
01 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in adoption, not kids Tags: adoption, parenthood, TV
Last week, I wrote about Parenthood‘s adoption story line. Tuesday was the season finale. (Yes, in February. WTF?) Ignoring all of the other events, Zoe came to visit Joel & Julia. Zoe sort of apologized, not that she really had anything to apologize for, exactly. She chose to parent her child. Some would argue that she lead J & J on, but she didn’t intend to do so, which is what she told Julia. (This fictional event lead to some discussion on pre-birth matching on one blog that I follow religiously, and one that I don’t. Remind me to write about that, OK?)
After a nice, if brief, scene with Zoe, J & J head to their agency, where they say that they’re ready to drop qualifications on race and gender. (I have to wonder if they had any to begin with. I mean, they’re already a multi-racial family. Anyway…) The (I’m assuming) social worker asks if they’re open to “sky babies” – babies who have been born whose mothers did not make a prior adoption plan.
Aside: In 8 years, I have never heard the term “sky babies.” “Baby born situations” and “stork drops” are the two most commonly used on the forums and other places online. If you Google “sky baby”, you get a band. If you Google “sky baby adoption,” there’s one hit on the Family Resource Center page, and a bunch of hits that happen to use “sky,” “baby,” and “adoption” in the same page. They can’t even get the terminology right.
Back to Parenthood… J & J are at Crosby and Jasmine’s wedding (don’t ask) when Joel receives a call. “Right now?” he asks. He and Julia rush off. The episode ends with a young brown boy named Victor getting out of the car and coming into the house.
People do not go from wanting a newborn baby to wanting a child of any age in one week.
Even if they did, home studies are written to be age specific. Our home study approves us to adopt one or two children (in case of twins) under one year of age. Parents who want to adopt older children usually – if the agency is any good – have to go through extra education. Older child adoption is not the same as newborn adoption, which J & J will probably find out.
On the other hand, J & J asked if the biological parents can ever come back in cases such as these. The social worker said that it’s rare, but yes, it can happen. That’s actually true! California’s laws about straight-up adoption are different than laws about, say, safe haven babies. So if J & J were open to safe haven or abandoned babies, then there is a risk of a birth parent or biological family member coming back into the child’s life. So, since Victor’s mother is in prison and terminated her rights so Victor wouldn’t end up in foster care, I predict one of Victor’s biological relatives is going to enter stage right.
My friend Karyn posted a comment last time, about how she gets annoyed when TV messes up pregnancy. I do see the parallel. The difference is that most people will experience a real pregnancy at some point in their lives. Adoption is shrouded in mystery, and people really do believe what they see on TV. (Especially Law & Order, for some reason.)
I’ve read that Parenthood is coming back next season, so I guess we’ll see what happens then…
Parenthood’s Adoption Story Line Is Almost Over
23 Feb 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: adoption, parenthood, TV
I really do more than just watch TV. It just happens that many of the TV shows I’m watching have adoption plots, and I’m watching shows while I create invitations for the Twilight-themed baby shower I’m planning for a friend.
So, I watched Parenthood tonight.
I’m not overly fond of the Parenthood adoption storyline. Joel & Julia decide they’re going to adopt during the season finale. In the next season’s opener, they’re apparently done with the home study and are showing their profiles to expectant mothers. Then, Julia finds out that the “coffee girl” at her office is having a baby and placing said baby for adoption. So Julia asks to “buy” the coffee girl’s baby. At first, “coffee girl” says no, because she wants a closed adoption. But Julia is just so darn nice, that “coffee girl” says yes. And then “coffee girl” finally becomes Zoe. Zoe’s boyfriend, the baby’s father, basically wants to sell the baby. He asks for $20 or $30 thousand, and when J & J say that’s illegal, he says, no adoption. But eventually, Zoe convinces him to sign “the papers”. Along the way, Zoe moves in with J & J, and then moves out when she needs space, not that Julia ever gives her that space.
On Tuesday’s episode, Zoe has her baby. It’s a boy, which we knew all along. Julia is there for labor and delivery. When Julia, Joel, and their daughter Sydney go to get the baby from the hospital, Zoe is in the nursery, holding the baby. Julia assumes her bitch zombie face. We are meant to believe that, without any words being spoken, Zoe is going to parent her baby, and J & J are going to leave the hospital baby-less.
You know what upsets me the most?
Never anywhere has a social worker shown up.
Even in Jackson’s adoption, which was a real clusterf*@k at the hospital, there was a social worker involved. The social worker was very involved in Cassie’s adoption. Where is the social worker for Zoe? For J & J? There’s been zero support for any of them, adoption-wise. Did Julia not know that it was Zoe’s right to see the baby in the hospital? Did no one prepare Zoe or Julia for this?
Why no, they didn’t. Which is wrong on so many levels.
From a legal standpoint, Parenthood has simply been making things up. In California, consent can take place only after the (birth) mother has been discharged from the hospital, unless an agency is involved, and we haven’t seen anyone from an agency. Furthermore, consent must be signed before witnesses. And I don’t know what “papers” Zoe’s boyfriend signed, because in California, a birthfather cannot sign a TPR before the baby is born.
I know it’s TV, and they’re going to take liberties, but can we at least get something right? Can we at least see an adoption professional counseling these people? And please Parenthood, you really need to stop with the music montages and the brooding faces.
Once Upon a Time
20 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in not kids Tags: once upon a time, TV
I’m not going to tell you a story. I’m talking about the TV show, Once Upon a Time. I’ve been watching it since the pilot. Ever since I played Granny in Into the Woods in high school, I’ve really enjoy fractured fairy tales.
If you don’t watch the show, here’s the premise: The Evil Queen placed a curse on the entirety of fairytale land, placing them all in the present day. None of them, save the Queen, knows who they are. Very few of them are where they should be. For example, Snow White is a primary school teacher and Prince Charming begins as an unknown comatose patient, and ends up married to some random woman he doesn’t love. Enter Henry, the Queen’s adopted son, who has a book that details everyone’s lives, pre-curse. In the first episode, he finds his birthmother, Emma, who is really Snow White and Prince Charming’s daughter. She was sent to this realm as a baby, because she could end the curse. Unfortunately, she ended up appearing abandoned by the side of a freeway and grew up in foster care. Henry convinces her to come back to Storybrooke, Maine to break the curse. Of course, Emma doesn’t believe in the curse, but she does believe that Henry might need her, because she knows that Regina (the Queen) is lying when she says she loves Henry.
The adoption storyline is probably the most real of any on TV right now. The adoptive mother verbally berating the birthmother who shows up on her doorstep in the middle of the night is over the top, but I have actually seen adoptive parents write the same words in forums. I think Emma does a great job of playing the birthmother aspect of her role.
Unfortunately, the Queen always wins. So far, only two other people have clued in that they’re really fairy tale characters. One has always known but played dumb. The other started to figure it out and the Queen killed him. A mysterious stranger is in town, and I’m pretty sure he knows what’s up, but we don’t know for sure.
The pace is incredibly slow. I’m guessing the creators don’t know how they’ll sustain the show if/when everyone figures out they’re fairy tale characters, so they’re dragging that part out as long as they can.
Two weeks ago, I was ready to quit. Then, I saw that Emilie de Ravin (aka Claire from Lost) was going to play Belle (as in Beauty) in the next episode. So, I said if Good didn’t win at the end of that episode, I’d quit. Good made some headway, but so did Evil. I made the same deal for this week. Evil definitely won, but there was more about the Stranger…
I can’t decide if I want to watch this show or not. It pisses me off almost every week. It’s the most intriguing show I’ve watched in years, and definitely the most original. I really want it to work…
So, do I keep watching, or wait for the series to end and catch it on DVD?
Parenthood
25 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment
in adoption, not kids Tags: adoption, TV
Parenthood. It was a movie that Ron Howard directed in 1989. He tried, unsuccessfully, to turn it into a sitcom shortly thereafter. Now, 20 years later, it seems to be a hit drama. I know I watch it, mostly because of Lauren Graham. (I loved Gilmore Girls!)
SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen the Parenthood season finale, go away now!
At the beginning of this season, Joel & Julia begin trying to conceive. In one of the last episodes, it’s revealed that Julia has uterine scarring, and won’t be able to conceive again. Immediately, she throws herself into being the best mother of one child that she can be. But, by the last episode, she helps deliver a baby, and decides that she wants to adopt.
In the last moments of the last episode, Adam is looking for a retainer (a device used in the movie too) and finds a positive pregnancy test. He thinks it’s his teenage daughter’s, but it turns out, it’s his wife’s. And, he’s just lost his job that very day. (In the movie. Steve Martin’s character finds out his wife is pregnant the day that he quits his job.)
So now the adoption community is abuzz – will the show do justice to adoption? Will there be any truth in the plot, or will it be the typical Hollywood fantasy? No one decides to adopt one day and is handed a baby the next (hear that, Glee?). Adoption is a long, arduous process. I appreciate needing to cut some of it for length and lack of drama, but I truly hope that we’ll see a distillation of how adoption really is.
Blake at Blake’s New Face wrote an open letter to the producers of Parenthood. I concur, so, instead of writing my own missive, I recommend you read hers.
The only part I disagree with is that adoption can’t be done in one season. Given that the show is an hour long, and the season spans about a year, I think adoption can be done. The producers can cut out some of the decision process (domestic or international? foster adopt or private?) and start the season with J & J starting their home study. Many domestic adoptions are completed within one year. Although I would find the decision making process interesting, I can see how perhaps the producers might want to skip that part. It would probably be best to show J & J matching with an expectant mom during the last episode, then making one of the first episodes of the following season deal with that drama.
Open Adoption Roundtable #24: Adoption on TV
04 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: adoption, TV
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re up to Open Adoption Roundtable #24.
For better or worse, open adoption is working its way into mainstream entertainment. Which brings us to our writing prompt:
How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see?
Several people have been shocked when I reveal I don’t watch Glee. I majored in Performance Studies. I took a year long class in Musical Theatre Literature and Repertoire. I love a cappella music! But I stopped watching Glee when it became apparent that Quinn’s pregnancy was going to be some whacked out pseudo-adoption story line.
There is only one show I’ve watched that I thought got adoption “right” – Judging Amy. Amy was a juvenile court judge and her mother (Maxine) was a social worker, so adoption was a frequent topic. However, even they got it wrong when the major story line was about adoption. Amy’s older brother, Peter, and his wife, Jillian, are unable to conceive. They go for adoption. They match with a teenage expectant mom… who moves into Maxine & Amy’s house. (WTF?) The next season, the birth mother comes back with the birth father and they want to parent, so they get the baby back. (As all birth parents do, right?) But a few episodes later, they realize they don’t want to parent, and they give the baby to Peter & Jillian.
I watched Adoption Stories, and I always thought they were re-enactments. It wasn’t until Adoption Diaries came on that I realized they weren’t. WE was running Adoption Diaries last week and I recorded them out of morbid curiosity. I can’t see how any expectant parent – adoptive or biological – would allow themselves to be exploited that way. A lot of the Adoption Stories episodes focused on foster adoption and international adoption, which is different, I think, than following a pregnant woman around with a camera for several months.
TV – well, really the entire mainstream media – doesn’t know how to handle adoption, and I’ve never seen open adoption portrayed. One of the Open Adoption Bloggers mentioned that, once the adoption story line was over, it was over. No one ever mentioned it again. Birth parents go on without grieving, adoptees are never seen wondering, adoptive parents don’t have to deal with questions and comments. Open adoption could actually be a great premise for a TV drama. Follow several families who are involved in open adoptions – all fictional characters, but all based on what might actually happen. I guarantee there would be enough drama without having to resort to the stereotypical “she wants him back” story line.
Why My Son Is Cute and Smart
10 Jul 2007 Leave a Comment
in past Tags: Baby Einstein, BooBah, books, cats, Go Baby, Peef, signing, Signing Time, Sprites, TV, words
It’s been awhile since I did a good Jack post, so I decided to write some random cute stuff that he’s been doing lately.
The first thing that comes to mind involves his books. He’s always loved to turn the pages in books, and he loves to read. He can say and sign “book read”. We bought the book Peef The Christmas Bear on clearance on B&N. We read it through once or twice, then put it back on the shelf (as opposed to in the pile of new books). One day, Jack went over to his shelves and I heard him say “Peef”. I thought, “He must be saying “pee” or something.” But no, he pulled out Peef and was very excited by finding the book, as though we’d hidden it from him or something. For awhile, we were reading Peef 2 or 3 times a day, and it’s still one of his favorites. (Aside: It’s written by a CMU alum.) Now Jack has one word titles for all of his favorite books: “boom boom” for Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, “mommy daddy” for our adoption profile scrapbook (he loves the picture of me with Pooh bear at Disney World), “mommy” for any book about moms, “daddy” for his books about daddies, “pa” for Grandpa and Me, “night moon” for Goodnight Moon, “ha ha” for Noisy Jungle (the monkey sound), etc. He actually often goes to the shelf with a specific book in mind.
He has learned how to turn on the TV, and to request specific shows. He has 3 favorites: “prites” (Johnny and the Sprites), “sigh-time” (Signing Time, which he can also sign), and “beebee” (Go Baby, which he can also sign). Johnny and the Sprites features my very first drama teacher as the voice of Ginger, and Michael Patrick Walker from Scotch n Soda is one of the musical contributors.
We also figured out that Jack can say “Einstein” – actually, it sounds like “outside” which is why I was always puzzled when he would announce “outside” and dump his Baby Einstein DVDs on the floor. But this past weekend, we came home with a new Baby Einstein DVD and I asked Jack if he wanted to watch Baby Einstein, and he said “outside” – which is really more like “owsigh”. We got Baby Shakespeare. It’s really cute! He can request Baby MacDonald by saying “e-i-e-i-o.” He has to really concentrate to get the vowels in the right order though. We’re trying to get him to sing “Old MacDonald” with us. He knows a lot of the animal sounds.
Jack is trying and succeeding in saying more and more words. In a long overdue letter to his birthmom, I’m trying to include everything he says and signs. It’s hard to document all of them.
One more anecdote: Our neighbors have an insane number of cats, one of whom is a black cat named BooBah. BooBah loves me – always has. And I love him, and would adopt him in a minute if anyone gave my neighbors any crap for having too many cats (but don’t tell Max)). BooBah allows Jack to get fairly close if BooBah has food in front of him. Jinxy hates BooBah, and he’s afraid of her, so he never comes to the back, only to the front. So, when we saw BooBah yesterday, I went to the laundry room to get the cat food and brought it out to the front. I left it on the top shelf in the entry way. Jack saw it this morning and pointed, saying “Eat Kitty BahBah… BahBoo… BooBah!” Later, when I was getting ready to put him down for his nap, he disappeared and I found him in the entry way with something that rustled. I yelled, “Jackson!” and dropped the bag and crawled backwards onto the carpet, then looked up at me like, “What? I wasn’t touching the cat food.” It was the first time he’d ever done that – realized that maybe he could get away with it if he just walked away. I had to laugh, but I at least told him that it was only funny this once, and if he did it again, he would be in big trouble.
That is why my son is cute and smart.
Every Day a New Challenge
01 Jun 2006 Leave a Comment
in moments, update Tags: milestones, mommy, parenthood, sleep, teething, TV
One of the catchphrases that you hear when preparing to be a new parent: “Your life will never be the same.” Well duh! I thought. But that line came back into my head yesterday morning, when Jack’s crying woke me up at 6:30 in the morning, and he continued crying, off and on, until I said, “Fuck it” and woke up around 8:15.
While Max often allows me to sleep until 9 or 9:30, sleeping in causes me to feel major guilt. Max wakes up with Jack between 4:30 and 5:30, and usually Max stays awake, at least until I’m awake, even if Jack does go back to sleep. There are a lot of never agains: Never again to sleep in without feeling guilty. Never again to spend an entire day running errands worry-free. Never again to decide that I just don’t feel like being responsible today.
I’m not particularly sad about any of these, but realizing it was a big ol’ bucket of ice water in my brain so early in the morning. Life with Jack is far better than life without Jack. I cannot imagine how I never got anything done when all I was doing was preparing for Jack’s arrival. I’m lucky if I can accomplish two tasks a day, and one of those tasks is usually either dishes or laundry, both of which multiply like fruit flies with the addition of a baby. I’m finally scrapbooking Jason and Paula’s wedding, just in time for them to have a baby.
Jack’s smile, smell, and squeals of glee are well worth the efforts of motherhood. Before Jack, I felt like my arms ached to have a child to love placed there. Now, if my arms ache, it’s because Jack is practicing his swaying. Seriously, watching him drop off to sleep is priceless. I am constantly struck by the fact that he will never be this young again. I see him sleeping in his crib, and where he once was this tiny creature balled up in the middle, he is now a sprawling presence. Then I think of how he’ll look sleeping at age 3, 9, 16. Wild.
I’ve been wanting to record some of Jack’s milestones here, but His Royal Cuteness isn’t so into computer time yet. I’ll record what I can remember.
May 15: The day after Mother’s Day. Jack smiles and belly laughs at our version of peek-a-boo, called “There you are!” The squeals and belly laughs also come out when tickled gently on the tummy, when kissed on the bellybutton (always preceded by the call, “Belly Button!”), and when nuzzled in the stomach by a dog or dragon.
May 18: Jack is scared and cries vociferously when I yell. First, at Max to come and take him out of our bed (where Max left him to see if Jack would sleep). Later, I’m trying to find where my friend is in the small town of Walnut Grove, CA, where cell phone coverage is spotty. I yell into the phone. In his car seat, a formerly sleeping Jack freaks out. I get him calmed down only to yell at another car in road rage. I now control my temper and volume much better than before.
In this week, Jack also started “watching” television. He had always liked the flickering lights, and we started cutting back on what we watched when he did so. One day, I was trying to get him to nap, so I put some TV on as background noise (Jack loves music). His head immediately turned toward the TV and he startled when something loud happened. Now, we only watch Good Eats and The Waltons together.
Jack is also dancing now, especially to the song, “Rockin Robin” one of my personal favorites. (I feel that one ought to embrace the same-name songs, or be forever doomed to snapping.) If he’s lying down or in his bouncer, his little legs start going as soon as he realizes what song it is. If he’s in my arms, he bounces his head. And through it all, he smiles the biggest toothless smile I ever hope to see.
As I mentioned, Jack still does not like his naps, but sleeps through the night from 10 or 11 pm to 4:30 or 5:30 am. (Five hours of sleep straight-through is considered to be “sleeping through the night.”)
May 28: Jack starts teething. Although he has been producing excess saliva for about a month now, on Sunday he started forcibly grabbing our fingers and jamming them into his mouth, sometimes also trying to eat his own fist in the process. He loves to chew on anything rubbery or cloth-like, which means that the dragon smells a lot more like formula now. Also, due to the teething, his dangly octopus is now named Sashimi.
Jack does not like tummy-time, though he can lift his head and slither around a little bit more. Jack does like lying on the floor, especially if he’s in his little “gym” (that Annemarie bought for $5 because I didn’t see the need for one).
That’s all I can remember, and I really need to sleep. Jack will most likely wake up in 4-5 hours. Before I go, a non-Jack-related fact: I have lost 10.2 pounds in 11 weeks of Weight Watchers. I am quite proud of myself, even if that is a mortal sin.
Sleep Sweet Everybody!
PS: Remind me to tell you the one about Twinkle Twinkle…
