Open Adoption Roundtable #36: Open Adoption Agreements
11 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: agreements, birth parents, open adoption
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #36.
Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?
I’m not sure if I knew about open adoption agreements in 2005/2006. I don’t remember ever talking about them with S. I think the first time I heard of them may have been from Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkinland, although I was reading book about open adoption right when Jackson was born, and I find it hard to believe they weren’t mentioned there.
I knew about open adoption agreements in 2011. I actually did bring up the subject with Laine. She didn’t want an open adoption agreement. She didn’t think it was necessary. I brought it up at least twice, but both times, she didn’t want an agreement. So, we don’t have one.
Do I wish we did? Well, I’m not sure that it would matter. S basically fell off the face of the earth for a long time. As much as I’m guilty about not sending her timely updates, the biggest reason for that is not knowing if and when she’s getting them. Her situation has gotten somewhat better this year, and because I verbally promised Cassie’s birth parents updates every two months, I’m sending her updates every two months too. An open adoption agreement wouldn’t stabilize her life, and even if it were legally enforceable, what exactly would the penalty be for not sending a Christmas card, for example?
It’s too soon to tell if I wish we had agreements with Cassie’s birth parents. Maybe Laine wishes we talked more often, the way we did before Cassie was born, and an agreement would probably legislate that. However, the agreement wouldn’t take into account if Laine’s phone’s been shut off, would it?
I’m really not sure how I feel about open adoption agreements. I’m glad that this topic has come up, because I’ve enjoyed reading the other responses, which vary greatly from person to person, even those within the same part of the triad.
Open Adoption Roundtable #34: Sharing Others’ Stories
01 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: birth family, open adoption, questions
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #34.
How do you handle such questions [nosy and/or difficult questions about your child's birth family] when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
I handle questions about S differently than I handle questions about Laine.
When Jackson was born, I didn’t really think about how some of the stories that I told others might affect him. I wanted to be open because I felt that adoption wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. I was proud of S for placing – it was the Right Thing to Do. Also, S was a very open person. So, I answered questions honestly. I kept back a few things, but mostly told the whole story. Later, when S started making unfortunate choices, choices that had real consequences, I had to ask for help in dealing with them for our family. Finally, S’s choices – well, at this point, one choice she continues to make – often make me angry. It’s hard not to express that sometimes.
Looking back, I really do think that I over-shared. I don’t share everything on the Internet, at least, but I do share with friends, though not with acquaintances. At this point, I try to strike a balance between being honest and keeping some of S’s information private.
When it comes to Laine, I learned a lot from how I handled things when Jackson was born. Also, Laine is a far more private person, and I don’t think she’d appreciate me sharing all that much information about her. I think more about how the information will affect Cassie in the future.
As for how they answer questions about me, I don’t particularly care. I mean, it’s none of my business. As long as they’re not spreading outright lies, they can answer however they wish.
Racilous at Adoption in the City said that she had never asked her son’s parents why they had adopted because she didn’t think it was any of her business. S did ask why we were adopting, and I’m actually glad she did. I think it’s an important question. Ultimately, the answer was that we wanted to be parents. Practically speaking, I told her that because of my medical condition (CRPS), it was a bad idea to bear children, although I might be able to do so. ANLC asked her why she was placing, and I have that answer written down. Laine never asked, and I’m not sure she knows. She’s told us why she placed.
There’s a lot about Jackson’s birthfather that I haven’t shared, although, somewhat ironically, what I haven’t shared is the reason why we don’t know anything about him. I haven’t shared anything about Cassie’s birthfather yet, and I plan a post about that at some point. I believe I’ll be far more discreet than I was when Jackson was born, when I told everyone precisely what I thought of K.
The question that I hate the most is “Why did S place Jackson but not her other kids?” Of course, they don’t use the word “place.” Mostly it’s “give up” although sometimes it’s “let go of” and neither are terms I appreciate. That’s the question that’s the hardest to answer. I tend to leave it at, “She just did” or “Because she made a very selfless decision for Jackson.”
I thought my answer to this prompt was going to be short. Apparently, I had more to say than I realized.
Adoption Bloggers Interview Project: Meet Kelsey of A Birthmother Voice
17 Nov 2011 3 Comments
in open adoption roundtable Tags: interview, open adoption
The Adoption Bloggers Interview Project was created and coordinated by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction. Two adoption bloggers are randomly paired. We read one another’s blogs. We ask one another questions. We answer those questions.
This year, I feel very fortunate to be paired with Kelsey of A Birthmother Voice. I’ve been reading her blog for over one year now. Kelsey is not only a birthmother, she is the author of The Best for You, a children’s book about why a birthmother chooses adoption for her child. More than 20 years ago, Kelsey placed three children for adoption – her daughter and then her twin sons. Her blog is insightful and positive, even when she discusses difficult topics.
Without further ado, here are my questions and Kelsey’s gracious answers:
Overall I think that the writing for adoption on television is not what it could be. There are some very deep issues, and also some wonderful self discovery that could be portrayed, I just have not seen it that way.
So, for a simple answer to “What would the ideal open adoption agreement laws be?” First and foremost, give all the information possible to mothers who are considering adoption for their child. Knowledge is power, and in that power one can make a sound decision knowing they are their best advocate. I say get the requests of all parties and agree to what everyone wants the boundaries to be. Then, by law, I believe those agreements should be looked at every 5 years for adjustments that may need to be made. I believe that the States should allow all parties access to Original Birth Certificates for so many reasons and #1 being it is a Constitutional Right that every American has. If someone changes their minds about those agreements, then somewhere down the road someone stopped talking to someone. COMMUNICATION is of the utmost importance in adoption and it is not something that should be feared.
I want to thank Kelsey for taking the time to answer all of my questions. I highly recommend her blog. The link is over in my blog roll on the right. It’s also right here.
Please take a moment to see the other Adoption Bloggers Interview Project entries at Production, Not Reproduction.
Open Adoption Roundtable #31: Fear
28 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: birth family, open adoption, siblings
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #31.
With Halloween just around the corner, I thought this prompt would fit right in:
Write about open adoption and being scared.
As I sit here in a hotel room, far, far away from my son, with a baby who is not yet mine, there’s an obvious fear to write about.
Instead, to take my mind off that, I’ll write about what has scared me about our open adoption situation for years.
Jackson’s birthmother, S, has three additional children whom she parents. Iggy is 7. However, an epileptic seizure left him with permanent brain damage. He is legally blind and functions at the level of an 18-month old. He may be autistic as well. Princess (formerly known as Baby A) is 3. CJ is 9 months.
As I’ve mentioned before, S doesn’t always make good choices. My biggest fear is that one of these choices will land her in jail, or worse, dead. What will happen to her kids? What will happen to their relationship with Jackson?
We have contact with S’s mom. She’s not in a position to take three children. I’m not sure she could take even just one. Iggy’s father is not involved in his life. (He may be in jail; I’ve lost track.) I have contact with Princess’s paternal grandmother. She seems to be a very good person. I don’t know if she’d be in a position to take Princess, but at least I know that if she did, we’d be in touch. S is currently living with CJ’s father. Frankly, he’s part of her not-so-good decision making. It’s because of him that we no longer have direct contact with S.
During a particularly trying time, S almost asked us to take care of Iggy. Unfortunately, I really don’t think we can. We’re not equipped to deal with such major special needs. Would we be able to take care of Princess and/or CJ? It would really depend on a number of factors. While I’ve always wanted a big family, Max would be perfectly happy with one child. (He’s happy with two children too, it’s just that he doesn’t feel that our family is incomplete at three members, the way I do.)
No matter what happened, I would want Jackson to be able to have a relationship with his siblings. If S’s kids end up in foster care, that’s not going to happen.
Now, hopefully S has or will start a new chapter in her life, and her decisions will be less risky. Even then, though, I might wonder, “What if S gets hit by a bus?”
Worry much, Robyn?
Open Adoption Roundtable #30: Learning About Open Adoption
07 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: adoption, birth parents, open adoption
The Open Adoption Roundtableis a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #30.
Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?
The short answer to this question is “No.” When I first contemplated this question, it seemed like I’d always known about open adoption. Then I started thinking back. In grade school, I knew two adoptive families. One girl in my class and her older sister were adopted. I don’t remember who told me, and we never really talked about it, but I know she knew. Two kids in my sister’s class were adopted, and they didn’t know. I found that incredible for several reasons. First, everyone else knew. Second, the kids were the same age, but they looked nothing alike (the boy had red hair and freckles, the girl was Hispanic, or maybe black and white). Third, they looked nothing like their parents.
So I guess I didn’t know about open adoption in grade school. But I must have known about it in high school because I can’t remember learning about it. I know my uncle’s sister and her husband were looking into adoption. Maybe I heard them talking about it. Or maybe I read about it when I did a term paper on abortion. I don’t know. However, I clearly remember knowing that open adoption existed when it came time for us to investigate adoption. I wasn’t surprised by Adoption Stories or any of the adoption books.
I’m a weird adoptive mom: I was never scared of birthparents. My aversion to domestic adoption in the first place wasn’t due to any fears about birthmothers “coming back”. It was due to the uncertainty. In international adoption, the child is born, the child is ready to be adopted, you get a referral, you get a child. It seemed a lot easier. Then I did the research.
As I mentioned in Maybe the Third Time’s the Charm, Laine asked if open adoption meant that we’d cut off contact in one year. Apparently, the families on Teen Mom did this. I have no intention of cutting off contact with her or with Jackson’s birthmother, and I told her as much.
I hope that people learn more about open adoption through people experiencing it, as opposed to through television (but that’s another post) or people who don’t have open adoptions, but think they know all about them anyway. It would be nice if, by the time my son’s an adult, most people can say that they can’t remember a time when they didn’t know about open adoption.
Open Adoption Roundtable #28: Questions
22 Jul 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: adoption, birth parents, open adoption
The Open Adoption Roundtableis a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re up to Open Adoption Roundtable #28.
Lori of Write Mind Open Heart, an adoptive parent in two open adoptions, has up at her blog a set of eleven questions about open adoption which were posed to her by JoAnne, an adult adoptee in a closed adoption. There are some questions there about the role adoption professionals played arranging contact in your adoptions and how you understand the legal weight of any open adoption agreements you may have.
I actually found out about this Open Adoption Roundtable from Jenna’s blog, The Chronicles of Munchkinland. As a birthmother, Jenna was offended by the questions. Personally, I find the questions naive, even ignorant (though not in a mean way). I tried to go to the questioner’s blog to see what her adoption experience was like. What I found there really didn’t mesh with the questions she asked. So, I’m a bit confused as to the motivation behind the questions, as well as with the questions themselves.
That said, I’m going to answer the questions anyway.
- Can the adoptive parents really go back on their word after the adoption has been finalized and do whatever they please in regard to updates and pictures?
Yes, they can. Like many of the other bloggers, I find adoptive parents who go into an adoption promising openness simply to get a child reprehensible. It seems that a lot of birthmothers think this is the norm – that all adoptive parents are just out for the kid and never think of the birth parents again. I know that’s not true, but I hate the parents who perpetuate this perception. - Who is the go-between for communication with most Open Adoptions: the case worker, the placing agency, or the lawyer handling the adoption?
As far as I know, none of the above. I know some people who have open adoptions and use an agency as a go-between. In our open adoption, we know everything about S and her family, and she knows everything about us. I haven’t talked to anyone from the awful Adoption Network Law Center since we came back to California with Jackson. - What are the advantages and disadvantages for each of the above contact persons?
I think this question is asking, “What’s the advantage to using a go-between?” There really isn’t an advantage for an agency, lawyer, or social worker to be a go-between. But there can be advantages to having one of those entities be a go-between. I see a lot of queries about setting boundaries, and social workers can help there, for example. On the other hand, I know a woman who went through her agency to send updates, and the agency read the updates and redacted them. Not OK. - How can case workers be involved in Open Adoption as well if DHS are already so understaffed and the budgets are maxed out for the thousands of forgotten children lost in the system?
I think this is where some of the ignorance comes in. It seems that the questioner is assuming that all adoptions go through social services. They don’t. If you’re dealing with social services (in California, that would be Child Protective Services, or CPS) then presumably a child has been removed from his parents. In most cases, openness with parents isn’t in the best interest of the child. However, many adoptions from foster care now involve openness with other family members, such as siblings and grandparents. I think that this openness is another piece of foster care, so it’s the social worker’s job to help here. Of course, if a social worker had to choose between facilitating a visit between siblings or returning a call from a prospective adoptive family, I hope she’d choose the latter. It would probably be best for a social worker to teach the families to facilitate their own visits. - Is there an incentive such as money for the adoption agency to be still involved indirectly and indefinitely for an Open Adoption? Does it cost the prospective adoptive parents more money upfront for it to be an open adoption?
I don’t believe so. Some agencies may receive continuing fees for facilitating openness. - If the contract is legally binding, what happens to the adoptive parents if they don’t follow through? Is there really any legal recourse for both parties that are clearly spelled out?
Nothing. My understanding is that the most a court can do, when it comes to enforcing open adoption agreements, is order visitation. However, usually what the adoptive parents want is what happens. All states with open adoption agreements explicitly state that an adoption cannot be overturned if the parties do not honor the agreement. I think that makes sense. But it also means that open adoption agreements don’t have any teeth. - What deters the birth parents from coming to your house unannounced?
Another ignorant question, but usually I see this one from prospective adoptive parents who are insecure about the very existence of the birth parents. What keeps anyone from coming to your house unannounced? Manners and common sense.
Of course, my father used to come over to my house unannounced. Now, he comes over unannounced on Thursdays. I’ve had the occasional friend or family member who happened to be in the area drop by , and that’s usually a happy surprise.
If there is real concern about this, for example, because a birth parent is an addict, then I imagine a person could get a restraining order. But, in general, birth parents shouldn’t be feared. - Do you know if there are any court cases where it’s obvious that there are loopholes in Open Adoption that need to be addressed?
I’m not sure what’s meant by “loopholes”. There are several legal problems within adoption where reforms are needed. Open adoption agreements are generally not enforced, even if the state says they’re enforceable. I don’t think those issues qualify as loopholes though. - Just like there are issues with closed adoptions and we have the outspoken activists’, etc., are there any Open Adoption opponents or vice versa that are working to be the voice for the birth mothers as well as the adoptive children and their best interests?
There are proponents and opponents of open adoption. I know of at least one adult adoptee in a closed adoption who is against open adoption and blogs about it. I thought the blog was full of venom, so I never went back. The Open Adoption Roundtable is all about promoting the realities of open adoption. - When is the adoptee old enough to choose if they want contact or not? What if they are the ones who want to break off ties with the bio parents?
Lori’s answer to this is great. From the birth parent perspective, you should read Racilous’s answer.
As for my part, if Jackson doesn’t want to talk to his birth family when I do, I don’t force him to. I wish he did, but he’s not big on talking on the phone to anyone. It does mean that I call them less often, because I can’t involve him. I don’t think I’d allow Jack to break off ties completely, as long as he was under 18 at least. Knowing S’s family is important. I don’t think young kids or teenagers necessarily see the benefits of situations that they don’t like. - Are there any support groups/legal aids for birth mothers where they can get honest answers with their concerns for open adoptions?
I know one birthmother support group: Birth Mom Buds. I know of a few organizations that actually help pregnant women considering adoption as well as birthmothers. Chicks In Crisis is a local organization.
I tried to keep my answers short and to the point. It’s hard to slog through a lot of Q&A. This roundtable really was slanted towards adoptive parents. I don’t think the ignorance in these questions comes from a bad place. I think it’s run of the mill, genuine not knowing. Still, I can see how the questions would be offensive to some.
Open Adoption Roundtable: Talking About Siblings
14 Jun 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: adoption, open adoption, siblings
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re up to Open Adoption Roundtable #26.
Open adoption blogger Susiebook suggested we write about how to talk about siblings in open adoption. I thought it was a great idea: a chance to share some practical information with each other from our different experiences and perspectives. It may be that birth parents are parenting older or younger siblings, or that siblings were placed in different adoptive families. What words do we use to talk about that? How do we frame it? What questions or issues have come up?
Although I’m a full 2 weeks late on this one, siblings are a topic that is close to my heart. I’ve written about them before at Adoption Blogs at least twice. I’ve mentioned them here and there.
Jack has 3 siblings now, on his birthmother’s side. Most of our friends know this, but I’m not sure if most of my family does or not. My family seems to be uncomfortable talking about S, so we don’t bring her up very often. I don’t want to have to defend or vilify her. S is a person who has made some bad choices, but at least one very good one. That’s real life.
Jack is very proud of having siblings. He often laments that his brothers and sister don’t live with us. He finally sort of asked why that is – why S parents them and we parent him. I paraphrased a comment that I got on my Open Adoption Roundtable post from October 2010:
S knew that adoption was the best choice. But it was very hard to let you go. It made her very sad. When she had Baby A and CJ, she just didn’t want to be that sad again.
He then asked why adoption was the best choice. So I told him about S’s situation, in an age-appropriate manner. That was very hard. I’m sure we’ll be hearing more questions about that in the not-too-distant future.
It always bothers me when I see adoptive parents ask, “How do I tell my child he has siblings?” I know it’s hard to talk about new siblings, but when the siblings are older… why are they not a part of the story from the beginning? I would never deny S and I’m not going to deny or obfuscate her parented children. Like I said once before, they’re not technically siblings – they are siblings.
Open Adoption Roundtable #25: Walk Away?
07 Apr 2011 2 Comments
in open adoption roundtable Tags: adoption, open adoption
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re up to Open Adoption Roundtable #25.
Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?
Yes.
I imagined open adoption with a birthmother who, after she placed her child, got her life back together, got an education, and really took the lemons and made lemonade. This is not at all what happened.
There have been many times that I’ve just been tired of it all. For a long time, S only called when she needed help. I’m not very good at handling her poor choices. I’m worried sick about the children she’s parenting, as they’re not in a safe place. I often wonder if I’m going to get a call from S’s mom that S or one of the children is seriously hurt, or worse.
I hate sitting here and not being able to do a damn thing about any of it.
But for all that I might want to walk away, I won’t. Open adoption isn’t supposed to be easy for the adoptive parents. It’s just supposed to be better for the child. Jack was able to call S’s mom and ask about his older brother’s teeth. He knows that he has siblings and a cousin. You should have seen how happy Jack was to hear S’s mom, his aunt, and his cousin all sing “Happy Birthday” to him on our answering machine. And it meant a lot to all of us that they called, and that S called.
One friend, who has no connection to adoption, declared that she just couldn’t do an open adoption. I’ve had another friend recommend closing it because it’s too stressful for us. It would be less stressful if S made better choices, but I can’t make that happen. I know that contact with S is important to Jack. I know it’s going to be more important when he becomes an adult, if today’s adult adoptees are any indication.
I probably don’t have to worry as much as I do. I love S, and I want her to have a better life. I want Jack’s siblings to have the life he has (but that’s another post). I want them to be safe. So I worry. And I won’t walk away.
Open Adoption Roundtable #22: Another New Year
10 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: blog, open adoption
Note: I decided to leave AdoptionBlogs.com, so I’m out here on my own these days.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.
One year ago many of us answered the question, “How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?”
If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update.
And whether or not you participated last year, tell us about your open adoption hopes or commitments in 2011.
In my post from last January, I said:
I could say that I’m going to work at getting letters and pictures out more frequently.
I sort of did. I sent 3 packages this year instead of 2, so I guess that’s progress, right?
I need to find a way to be honest with S.
That didn’t work so well. I relayed some of my concerns in a different Open Adoption Roundtable. S saw it, and was concerned that I might be getting too adult in my explanations. Since then, she hasn’t had her own phone number, and I’m not really sure what to say anyway. I pray for her and her children, because they’re not in a safe situation. I wish I could do something about that, but I can’t. Would being completely open with S help her or the kids? Somehow I doubt it.
On a very small level, I need to investigate the possibility of getting a photo of Jack’s birth father,
I did find out a bit more about Jack’s birthfather this year. It won’t be dangerous to contact him, though I still don’t know where he is to do so. Still, it’s good to know it’s at least an option at some point.
When we look for an agency for our next adoption, we will not choose one that discriminates against people. We will likely not choose one that discounts based on race…
We’re actively not using an agency that charges fees based on race. (I intend to write more about that odious practice.) We’re finding that our choices of agencies are limited because we want to adopt a girl, but also because we’re not churchgoers and because we don’t want to work with agencies that won’t work with GLBT individuals. One agency I talked to flies all of “their birthmothers” to Utah and has them induced for the convenience of the adoptive families. GAH! Another advertises that they make sure the birthmother is ready to sign the TPR. What does that mean exactly? Because when I hear that, I hear “coercion”.
I am also trying to get out of the realm of my experience, and learn more about the experiences of others.
I have been reading a lot more adoption-related blogs this year, including blogs by adoptees and birth parents. I still stay away from the anti-adoption blogs, because I just can’t handle that kind of negativity and sometimes stupidity. But not all of the blogs I read are sunshine and roses, and I’m learning a lot. (I should probably provide a list or do a blog roll over on the right side of my blog. Another item for the to-do list.)
In 2011, I’m just going to keep trying to work on what I was working on in 2010. I really want to find a way to communicate with S and help her kids. I want to find an agency that supports all of the people in the adoption process, without discrimination or degradation. And of course, I want to learn more so I can be a better (adoptive) parent.
