Having an adopted child means looking for books that depict families built in a variety of ways. We go out of our way to ensure that Jack has books with children who look like him as their subjects. We look for adoption-themed books, and we look for books about kids of all colors and situations.
Similarly, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of books for adoptive parents. This page is being built to list and review some of the books that we (Max, Robyn, and Jack) have read.
Books for Parents
Black Baby, White Hands: A View from the Crib, by Jaiya John
Jaiya John was the black baby adopted by white parents in New Mexico in 1969. As the first transracial adoptee in NM, John had a unique experience. I would recommend this book to transracial adoptive parents, but get it from the library.
Jaiya John Needed a Better Editor
My husband read this book and loved it. It also prompted him to buy several jazz CDs, as well as comedy CDs of Chris Rock and Richard Pryor.
I find this book to be self-indulgent, and more than a little repetitive. Jaiya John says the same thing in every chapter: He had a good life, with good parents, but felt disconnected from his family and friends because his race wasn’t something he could talk about. This book would have been an excellent memoir, and an important piece of literature for those adopting black children, if it had been better edited.
The poetry in this book is beautiful, and it may be worth reading just for that. Jaiya John overdoes the prose, however, continually using several adjectives, adverbs, metaphors, and similes to describe each detail of his life. A person cannot just say something, he or she “tenderly tells” or “let [words] pass through their lips.” The same points are hammered page after page. Somehow, the childhood he conveys is one in which he suffered pain, shame, embarrassment, and low self esteem. He writes that his brother Greg (also black) must have had the same thoughts too, but Jaiya John apparently either didn’t ask him or Greg didn’t want his opinions in the book. Jaiya John often speaks for other people, and we’re left with an incomplete picture of his life.
I know I’m going to take a pounding for this, but this book is not the best one about transracial adoption. Other than this man’s self-pity, there are maybe a dozen salient points put forth. The rest is redundant and overdone.
Reaching Out: The Guide to Writing a Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter, by Nelson Handel
The only book about writing a “Dear Birthmother” letter. Definitely worth the cost!
Essential Reading
I highly recommend Reaching Out to adoptive parents who are told by their agency, attorney, case worker, etc. that they must write a Dear Birthmother Letter. This is the only source of the many that I investigated that had any help for writing a DBL. The one other book that comes up when you search for “Dear Birthmother” cannot compare to the wealth of information in Mr. Handel’s book. He covers everything from the details (check your spelling) to philosophies (be yourself) to methods of writing (the I, we, or us letter). Mr. Handel also supplies many writing tips. I found the book to be a great source of inspiration. This was also one of the only adoption-related books my husband read in its entirety. He enjoyed it as well!
Raising Adopted Children (Revised Edition): Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent, by Lois Ruskai Melina
So-so. Worth reading, but it might resonate more with parents of older children.
Informational, Yet Flawed
this book assumes that all people who adopt are unable to conceive, and that the book is overly “PC”. In regards to infertility, the book really does heap it on about how people who can’t conceive need to grieve, and may think that they won’t be able to love another’s child, and so on. We’re not infertile, but I would be just as offended if I were. Infertility and adoption do not always go hand in hand, and I think that Melina forgets that.
I also found the writing to be hyperbolic, as in “You MUST” do this, or, my favorite “All adoptive parents” fear that their children will love their birthparents more than the adoptive parents. Use of such imperatives, “All,” “must,” “will,” instead of more realistic words like “Many,” “should/need,” and “might,” makes the text sound like a user’s manual for computer applications.
That negative said, the book itself does contain a lot of useful information, which I haven’t seen in any of my previous adoption-related readings. I would absolutely recommend it to people who are going through the adoption process. I think there are better books for people who are wondering whether or not to adopt (such as Is Adoption for You?), but that this book directly addresses the fears and questions for people who are about to become adoptive parents.
