Do Me a Favor: Don’t Watch “Birthmoms” on TLC

16 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in adoption, not kids Tags: ,

Tomorrow night, Thursday, May 17, TLC is going to air Birthmoms, a “reality” show about women who are considering placing their children for adoption. If it does well, they could make the show a series.

I am asking you to not watch the show. Shows like these are inherently coercive. Simply calling the show “Birthmoms” when the women have not given birth, nor chosen to terminate their parental rights, is perpetuating the idea that these babies never belong to the women who carry them.

Monika, a birthmother who blogs at Monika’s Musings, wrote her opinion of the show. When that post was picked up by BlogHer, several people commented on the show’s coercive nature. I direct you to comments by Declassified Adoptee and Jenna Hatfield, who do a wonderful job of explaining why this show’s premise is deplorable.

Declassified Adoptee: Not only is this an opportunity for unscrupulous agencies to advertise adoption to expectant mothers but it potentially puts unnecessary pressure on the expectant mothers considering adoption. … [I]f your purpose for being on a show about mothers who surrender to adoption is the expectation that you will provide just that for the TV cameras following you around all in your personal life and business, how much pressure does that stand to put on these expectant mothers?

Jenna Hatfield: The truth is that following a mother around with a camera is in and of itself coercive to the woman trying to make a decision whether or not she should place. She is then not afforded to change her mind for fear of the viewing audience making her out to be the bad guy.

I used to watch Adoption Stories. I honestly thought they were dramatic reenactments, not real people being followed with TV cameras. Now that I know, I feel terrible for having watched them. These people, even if they volunteered, had to make some of the most difficult, heart-wrenching, personal decisions in front of TV cameras. That’s just plain wrong.

So do me a favor, if you were planning on watching the show, please don’t. Watching a woman decide whether or not to relinquish her child (more accurately, watching a woman be coerced into relinquishing her child) is not subject matter for one’s entertainment. Watch The Big Bang Theory Community instead. You’ll feel much better.

Open Adoption Roundtable #38: What I Want to Say to You On Mother’s Day

11 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in open adoption roundtable Tags: ,

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #38.

Mother’s Day is coming soon in many countries, and the intersection of adoption and that holiday can stir up a lot of different emotions.

Write to someone else in the adoption constellation (someone specific or a general group). What do you want to say to them on Mother’s Day?

I’m feeling somewhat cynical about Mother’s Day this year. I will use this prompt to write a letter to S, but that’s personal. (Yes, I really do keep some things personal.)

Others have used this prompt to write very lovely letters to prospective adoptive parents. I like Heather’s. I have something a little more blunt to say.

Dear Prospective Adoptive Mothers,

There are a few things that I think you should know before you become an adoptive mom.

First, a woman is not a birthmother until she gives birth and relinquishes her child. I know that the entire adoption agencies calls any woman who is considering an adoption plan a “birthmother” but that’s laziness at best and coercion at worst. The woman in question is an “expectant mother” just like any other woman expecting a baby. Also, she is not “your” (“our”) expectant mother. She is “the” expectant mother. Unless she’s expecting you, which is probably an episode of Dr. Who, but not likely to occur outside of the sci-fi realm.

Second, do not promise whatever the expectant parents want beforehand while knowing that you will change it afterwards. This practice is ethically and morally wrong. This practice gives all adoptive parents a bad name. This practice will hurt the people who may be entrusting their child to you. Perhaps most importantly, this practice will hurt your child.

Third, do not make your decisions out of fear or desperation.  This is far easier said than done, I know. I know what it’s like to want a child so badly your arms ache. I know what it’s like to stand in an empty room in the middle of the night and imagine that there will never be a child in it. But you have to use your head and do what is right, not what is fastest or easiest. Sometimes, you won’t always know what’s right until it’s too late, but you do have to try.

Fourth, remember that the expectant father is a person too. If he’s not involved, ask why not. Ask a lot. Make sure he is: a) really, truly unknown, b) really, truly onboard with the adoption plan, c) really, truly not at all in the picture because he chose not to be, or d) really, truly a terrible man who should be (or is) in prison. Most expectant fathers do not fall into the first or fourth categories, by the way. You should not fear the expectant father. You should try to talk to him, even if only through a lawyer or a social worker. It is far too easy to cut expectant fathers out of the picture. If nothing else, you want to make sure you get his name, contact info, and some basic medical information. Your child will need that.

Fifth, you are a “prospective” adoptive parent, not a “perspective” adoptive parent. “Perspective” refers to how you see or perceive things. “Prospective” means “potential.” (I’m sorry, but seeing “perspective adoptive parent” is a pet peeve of mine.)

Sixth, if you don’t give up, you will find your child. Really you will.

Sincerely,

A Mom Who Has Been There

 

RobynC’s Blog Posts

04 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in blog Tags: ,

From February 2009 to December 2010, I was a paid blogger for AdoptionBlogs.com. I chose to leave for a number of reasons. However, I’m proud of a lot of what I wrote there. I can’t repost anything, but I can link to the posts. That’s what this blog topic is: a list of my best and favorite posts.

Adopting Cassie

Adoption Carnival

Dear Birthmother Letter

Favorites

Funds

Gender Selection

Green Parenting/Earth Day

Packing

Personal

Profile

Reviews

That’s Another Post

Cassie is 6 Months Old!

30 Apr 2012 2 Comments

by chittisterchildren in Cassandra Tags: , ,

Cassie’s been 6 months old for several days now, but I’ve been busier than usual. Without further ado, here is her official 6 month photo:

Cassie and her bear and bee

Six months has been huge for our little girl. In fact, our little girl is getting to be HUGE! She’s 18 pounds, 11 ounces and 27 inches long. This puts her in the 90th percentile for weight and height.

She started sitting up by herself! She’s been working very hard at it all month, and finally got it just a few days before her 6th month “birthday.” She also tried baby food. So far, she only really likes oatmeal and avocado (though not together). She seems to be OK with sweet potatoes and carrots (from jars). She doesn’t really like applesauce (but it could be the brands we’re trying). I gave her a couple of mashed up peas and she really didn’t know what to do with them. I’ve given her organic vanilla wafers as teething cookies. She likes them for a minute or two, then gets bored.

Cassie keeps her head level with her body when she’s pulled to sitting.

She is babbling a bit less than she used to. I saw this in Jackson too, when he started sitting up. It’s like they’re using all of their brain power to figure out this “staying upright” thing. When she does babble, she’s putting lots of sounds together. I swear today she was trying to say, “book”.

Now that she’s sitting, I have no doubt that standing will be coming soon. She bears weight on her legs and prefers to stand on your lap instead of sitting on it. She can also stand leaning up against the couch pillows and look out the window for short periods of time.

She’s discovered raspberries! Pbbbt!

She doesn’t really object if you take her toys away, but she will work to get toys that are out of her reach. She can pass a toy from one hand to the other. She drops things, but she doesn’t really care about them once they’re gone. That is, she doesn’t know where they go when they’re not in her hands.

She’s figured out how to use the wood floors to scoot around a little bit. She doesn’t like to be on her back. She prefers to be on her tummy and will roll over within moments of being put on her back, even in her crib.

Now that she can sit, she can use the high chair we’ve been saving since Jackson outgrew it. So far, she’s really liking it! One of her Easter presents was an Exersaucer, or, as Max calls it, the “Overstimulation Station.” She’s getting used to it, but it’s a lot for her to take in, so she’s only in it for brief periods of time now.

We’ve been watching Signing Time almost every day and I’ve been trying to use signs for common objects, such as “bottle” and “water.” She likes to drink out of her sippy and out of my glass.

Here are a few pictures from the month of April:

Robyn feeding Cassie oatmeal

Cassie's First Oatmeal

Cassie in her Easter Dress

Cassie in her Easter Dress

Cassie and Jackson in their Easter clothes

Happy Easter!

Cassie in her Exersaucer

Cassie in her Exersaucer (aka the "Overstimulation Station")

Cassie in her purple dress

Best Picture Ever!

Cassie in her purple dress

Dressed up for a birthday party!

Cassie sitting up

Cassie Sits (sort of)

Jackson talks to Cassie in her high chair

Cassie's First Night in the High Chair

I was looking for Jackson’s 6 month update post, but I couldn’t find it. I never did one! Here’s his 6 month photo:

Jackson with his bear and his cow

For the record, he was 15 pounds, 14 ounces and 24 inches long. (So, 3 pounds lighter and 3 inches shorter than his sister.)

Cassie’s Hair

24 Apr 2012 11 Comments

by chittisterchildren in Cassandra Tags: , , ,

I’m going to follow up my last controversial post with an even more controversial post: What to do with my daughter’s hair.

I’m only being slightly sarcastic. For reasons I do not understand, hair is extremely important to Black Americans, so much so that when Angelina Jolie and her daughters Shiloh and Zahara all went out looking like they had just woken up from a nap, Angelina was eviscerated for how unkempt Zahara’s hair was.

Hair has always been a thorny issue for me. As a child, I once went so long without brushing my hair that one day, my third grade teacher cut it during recess. I didn’t know how to pull my hair into a ponytail until junior high school and I didn’t know how to simply pull it back into a barrette until my senior year of high school. In my defense, these were the 80s and early 90s, when BIG HAIR was in. You had to make sure you got the right height. I don’t have any of my really BIG HAIR photos on my computer, but here’s one to give you an idea:

Best Friend and Robyn

That’s me with my best friend, who once said, “Robyn, I wish my hair had no body like yours.” Oddly, I didn’t take it as an insult.

Jackson’s hair is very thick and curly. It’s a bit coarse, but not as coarse as many Black Americans’ hair tends to be. His birthmother has gorgeous wavy hair, and his is very much like hers, only curlier. It doesn’t need any special care, which is good, because he’s refusing to get a hair cut these days. He’s going to end up with a very big head of very big hair himself soon.

Jackson and His Easter Bunny

Cassie’s hair is very different. Now, it might change when she’s about one year old. Jackson’s did; his hair used to be fine and straight, believe it or not. Around the time he turned one, it got thick and curly. Right now, Cassie’s hair is very fine and very curly. She also has a bald spot right around the back of her head. It’s kind of like a reverse monk-style cut. You know, where monks would only have hair in one band around their heads, Cassie doesn’t have hair there, but does on the top and bottom.

The Back of Cassie's Head

My sister, who did my hair all throughout childhood and is finally studying to be a cosmetologist, checked with her black schoolmates and said that I should not be washing Cassie’s hair very often. This is a common theme in black hair care. However, if we don’t wash Cassie’s hair every other day, then it attracts lint, gets very kinky and occasionally matted, and looks greasy. We can’t comb it after two days of non-washing, because her hair will break.

When we wash it, we use California Baby shampoo (old style, before they changed the formula) and calendula conditioner. (The conditioner formula doesn’t seem to have changed, thank goodness.) You can leave the conditioner in or rinse it. At this stage, we’re rinsing, since I’m not real keen on leaving stuff in her hair when she’s so little and likely to ingest it. Also, I think it would weigh down her hair, which looks quite cute when left to its own devices for a day or two.

Cassie and Sassy on the couch

It also looks nice in headbands and hair bows.

Re: WANTED: Similac Coupons

Cassie with a blue and green bow

(bow from Banana Laine Boutique)

Her hair isn’t that long on top. It’s getting long on the bottom, and it’s not as curly. I’m waiting for that bald patch to grow in, then maybe I can try some styles. Cassie’s birthmother’s hair is very fine, and she says it doesn’t hold braids. So, we’ll see what happens.

Any suggestions for what I can do are much appreciated. Also, if there are articles or books on why hair care is so important to Black Americans, I’d very much like to read them.

Brouhaha Over “Adoption Truth”

20 Apr 2012 43 Comments

by chittisterchildren in not kids Tags: , ,

So there was this big Circle of Moms blog contest brouhaha. Essentially, the blog Adoption Truth was removed from the contest for being anti-adoption. Several other bloggers reported this fact. Adoption reform blogs started to win the contest. Circle of Moms canceled the contest. I read a lot of the blog posts about Adoption Truth – about it being a voice for adoption reform, not being an anti-adoption blog. I read several posts on the Adoption Truth blog itself.

The title, Adoption Truth, bothers me, because, to paraphrase Jesus Christ Superstar, “we all have truths. Are mine the same as yours?” But the blog’s subtitle is “My Life… My Experience… My Truth.” So the blogger acknowledges that this is all HERs. Great. Except that she doesn’t write that way.

The blog does call for adoption reform. The blogger makes some good points. However, the blog is, as far as I’ve read, anti-adoption.

In the post, Positive or Negative, the blogger writes:

“Adoption is not a positive thing. Not for a mother or her child. It is loss and pain and grief. It is taking a baby away from the family he or she was born in to and forcing them to become a part of a family that begin as complete strangers to them. It is about a relationship so natural, so much a part of all of us, that is broken in the most unnatural of ways and can never be right again.”

That assertion right there is the definition of anti-adoption. Obviously, I disagree with her. Even so, I have no problem with her blog existing. I don’t particularly care about the contest, and I don’t care for Circle of Moms so I don’t care to learn more about their position either. I believe they shouldn’t have censored blogs, especially if they didn’t explain in the first place that the blog had to be supportive of adoption.

Because you can be supportive of adoption and write about the hardships in it. You can be supportive of adoption and of adoption reform. Adopt Talk is a blog that does this beautifully. The Chronicles of Munchkinland is another blog that talks about the highs and lows of open adoption and being a birthmother. Its author also talks about the need for reform. The Declassified Adoptee discusses adoption reform, and, while I perceive it as being a bit more negative about adoption than positive, I don’t think being negative or positive is the blogger’s goal. (I also find it to be very well written and I tend feel smarter for having read it, even when I disagree with the author.)

The author of Adoption Truth is anti-adoption. She takes issue with anyone, especially other birthmothers, who present any of the positives in adoption. She writes that if a pregnant woman walks into a crisis pregnancy center and says she wants to parent, she shouldn’t be told about any other option. I’m fairly certain that if a pregnant woman walked into a crisis pregnancy center and says she wants to place her baby for adoption, the blogger would very much want that woman to be told of her other options. To her, adoption means sacrificing babies.

She is allowed to tell her Adoption Truth, but she disrespects anyone whose truth is different than hers.

She is entitled to her opinions. I vehemently disagree with them, with the way she presents them, and with the way in which she dismisses anyone with different opinions.

So, yeah, I don’t support censorship, but I don’t support Adoption Truth either.

Open Adoption Roundtable #36: Open Adoption Agreements

11 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in open adoption roundtable Tags: , ,

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #36.

Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?

I’m not sure if I knew about open adoption agreements in 2005/2006. I don’t remember ever talking about them with S. I think the first time I heard of them may have been from Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkinland, although I was reading book about open adoption right when Jackson was born, and I find it hard to believe they weren’t mentioned there.

I knew about open adoption agreements in 2011. I actually did bring up the subject with Laine. She didn’t want an open adoption agreement. She didn’t think it was necessary. I brought it up at least twice, but both times, she didn’t want an agreement. So, we don’t have one.

Do I wish we did? Well, I’m not sure that it would matter. S basically fell off the face of the earth for a long time. As much as I’m guilty about not sending her timely updates, the biggest reason for that is not knowing if and when she’s getting them. Her situation has gotten somewhat better this year, and because I verbally promised Cassie’s birth parents updates every two months, I’m sending her updates every two months too. An open adoption agreement wouldn’t stabilize her life, and even if it were legally enforceable, what exactly would the penalty be for not sending a Christmas card, for example?

It’s too soon to tell if I wish we had agreements with Cassie’s birth parents. Maybe Laine wishes we talked more often, the way we did before Cassie was born, and an agreement would probably legislate that. However, the agreement wouldn’t take into account if Laine’s phone’s been shut off, would it?

I’m really not sure how I feel about open adoption agreements. I’m glad that this topic has come up, because I’ve enjoyed reading the other responses, which vary greatly from person to person, even those within the same part of the triad.

The Twilight-Themed Baby Shower

09 Apr 2012 2 Comments

by chittisterchildren in not kids Tags: , , , ,

Last Sunday, I co-hosted a Twilight-themed baby shower. I thought it was awesome. The expectant mom thought it was awesome. Therefore, it was awesome.

Back story: My friend Shaina is pregnant with her fifth child. When she told me, I realized that she hadn’t met our group of friends until she was pregnant with her fourth child, and we didn’t know her very well then. I happen to think every child – first, second, fifth, tenth – deserves a shower, so I immediately offered to throw her one. Shaina said she didn’t need one, but it wasn’t about need, and she did look like she wanted one. I said something about her sparkling… and the Twilight-themed baby shower was born! Shaina is far more of a Twilight fan than I am, though I think I’m a little more “squee” about what I do like. So anyway… our mutual friend Liz offered to have it at her house. Shaina picked April Fool’s Day. I joined Pinterest and started planning.

Oddly enough, although there are tons of Twilight party ideas on the web, there aren’t a lot of Twilight baby showers. I took some of the movie party ideas and added a few ideas of my own. This blog post is mostly photos of what we did.

First, the invitation:

Twilight Baby Shower Invite

The fonts are Twilight (of course) and Times New Roman (in which the books are set). The background is from the digital scrapbooking kit Fanpire, by Tangie and the swirls are by Fairytale Studios.

Then, we planned the food. We decided to go with lasagna, because Bella makes it for Charlie. You can’t have Italian without garlic bread and salad. For snacks/appetizers, I made Rosalie’s Werewolf Kibble and sliced some apples. Although there are tons of Twilight cocktail and mocktail recipes, I decided to keep it simple. Shaina loved the blood type labels from Hostess with the Mostess, and I really wanted to use the punch bowl that Max and I received for our wedding back in 2002. So we got some Crystal Geyser juice and wrapped them in the aforementioned labels, and I chose Bloody Bella punch. For all of the food and drink, I grabbed some quotes from the books. Thankfully, I have the books in PDF, so I could search for the word “salad” and find two instances, in Twilight. (The papers and elements in the quotes are from the digital scrapbooking kit Fanpire, by Tangie.)

Don't you want to know if I drink blood?

Don't you want to know if I drink blood?

Bloody Bella punch

Bloody Bella punch. "Drink" ~ Edward, Twilight

Drinks and apples

Drinks and apples

Girl drinking bottle labeled Type B

Shaina's daughter drinking Type B

Lasagna, salad, and garlic bread

Lasagna, salad, and garlic bread, with quotes from the books for each

Rosalie's Werewolf Kibble

Rosalie's Werewolf Kibble: this stuff is awesome and addictive!

Aren't you concerned about my diet?

Aren't you concerned about my diet?

For me, one of the best ways to incorporate a theme is to get an amazing cake. There are a number of Twilight cake examples online. Shaina picked one, and I called Jen of Jen’s Custom Cakes and Pastries. I gave her a picture, and she gave me this cake:

Twilight cake, photo one

Twilight cake, photo two

Cake toppers

Cake toppers: All edible! The apple is a Rice Krispie treat covered in fondant

Jen’s cakes are always beautiful and tasty!

I tend to go light on decorations in general. Because most Twilight decorations seemed to be for nighttime parties, and this one was the middle of the day, I suppose I went especially light. I just got some red and black streamers for one room. I created a centerpiece for one of the three tables, based on the book covers. I couldn’t find a black and white chessboard, so the morning of the party, I made a chessboard using cardboard, 12×12 white paper, a Creative Memories square punch, and black paper. I also couldn’t find black and white chess pieces, so my Dad gave me some extra pieces that I painted white and red. The tulip is a fake white tulip painted red. Ironically, Liz has the “New Moon” tulips in her front yard, growing for real. Her husband offered to let me use one, but they were too pretty to cut. I sprinkled feathers liberally on this table and on the candy buffet table.

Twilight centerpiece, apple, tulip, ribbon, chessboard and pieces, feathers

Twilight centerpiece

The candy buffet table? Yes! Shaina decided that she wanted a candy buffet as part of the favors. I actually had a lot of fun coming up with a candy for each of the Cullens and Bella. There were also a few random candies, chosen for looks, taste, or both, that I managed to fit in as well. Each candy was put into a glass holder and I typed up quotes to go with all of them.

  • Bella = Strawberry Bon Bons
  • Edward = Butterscotch
  • Carlisle = Chocolate Band-Aids
  • Esme = Caramels
  • Emmett = Gummy Bears
  • Rosalie = Candy Bling Rings
  • Jasper = Sour Patch Kids
  • Alice = Pixie Stix
  • Breaking Dawn = Hershey’s Kisses
  • Baby = Easter M&Ms
  • Immortality = Old Fashioned Candy Sticks
  • Volterra = Red Licorice
  • Eyes = Black Licorice
Candy buffet

Candy buffet

Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Chocolate Band-Aids

Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Chocolate Band-Aids

Esme Cullen, Caramels

Esme Cullen, Caramels

Alice Cullen, Pixie Stix

Alice Cullen, Pixie Stix

"Are you going to be my Valentine?"

"So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't get me a fifty cent box of candy, it's the least you can do."

To complete the favors, I printed out bookmarks from Binty’s Designs. I also made a “Twilight Lullabies” CD, because Shaina wanted something baby-related. So I took the “soothing songs from the Twilight playlists and soundtracks” and put them on a CD. Everything was in a clear bag that Jackson and I decked out with sparkles.

Twilight favors

Bookmark and CD in bling-ed bag

I almost forgot about the Mini Moose banner. For reasons that are kind of long to explain, Shaina and her family call the baby “Mini Moose.” I saw this banner and created a banner in the same style. Shaina found Twilight-inspired paper at JoAnn Fabrics. I printed large letters in the Twilight font and cut them out. This is the banner on my table – I didn’t get a really good one of it on the wall.

Mini moose banner

Mini moose banner

I should probably add a picture of Shaina, huh?

Shaina and plates

Shaina and plate

Jackson, On Telling Children They Were Adopted

02 Apr 2012 3 Comments

by chittisterchildren in adoption, issues Tags: ,

Today, I ran across a post on an adoption forum that always irks me. A mom was asking how to tell her 6-year old that she was adopted. Fortunately, most people know that children should never “find out” that they are adopted – adoption should always be a part of a child’s life. Most of the responders politely told the mom this, and gave her tips for telling her daughter the truth. One of the responders said that telling a child too much younger than 6 about adoption didn’t make sense because she wouldn’t understand. I know what I think, but I decided to ask an expert.

I asked Jackson for his opinion.

Me: Jackson, what does adoption mean?

Jackson: To have another person for your mom, even though you didn’t come out of their tummy. They weren’t pregnant with you.

Me: Do you remember how old you were when we told you you were adopted?

Jackson: Um, ZERO! (said in the tone of “Duh!”)

Me: What would you think if someone didn’t tell their child he was adopted until he was older, like 5 or 6?

Jackson: I think that’s bad, because it would hurt the person’s feelings. It’s rude.

Me: Who’s feelings? The kid’s?

Jackson: Yeah.

Me: Why would it hurt their feelings?

Jackson: Because you didn’t tell them something that was related to them. That’s mean.

Jackson’s Second Parent/Teacher Conference

28 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in Jackson Tags: , ,

I’ve had so much going on in my head that I completely forgot to write about Jackson’s parent/teacher conference, which took place two weeks ago.

ACA II doesn’t give grades. The kids work on assessments and then we get detailed reports of how they’re doing.

“Jackson has followed routines and expectations very diligently. He continues to do well verbally and understanding concepts being presented. His challenge is organization and fine motor tasks… Jackson loses focus and interest in work when he has to use fine motor abilities to complete the task.”

Basically, if Jackson has to write, he loses focus. How ironic, dontcha think?

The teacher is concerned about his fine motor skills. Seeing as Jackson plays with Legos, tweezes, picks things up, and that his fine motor skills were always ahead of the game when he was a baby, Max and I think he just doesn’t like writing.

His perseverance needs some help too. He gets discouraged if he doesn’t think he can complete something, or if he doesn’t complete something by the end of the day. We could be contributing to that, I suppose… we try to emphasize that he just has to try his best, but that he really has to try his best.

Overall, Jackson is doing really well. He’s happy to be at school all day. He’s completing his tasks more often now. And everyone still wants to be his friend!

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