Adoption Magazine is hosting a weekly blog hop. I liked this week’s topic, so I decided to participate on time. That’s a big concept for me.
“What has surprised you about the adoption experience?”
I think a better question would be: What hasn’t surprised me about the adoption experience?
I was surprised to find out that there are people who are vehemently anti-adoption. To me, you might as well be anti-oxygen. It doesn’t make any sense.
I was surprised to find out how divided the so-called adoption community can be. “Happy” birthmothers vs. “bitter” birthmothers. “OK” adoptees vs. “angry” adoptees. Infertile prospective adoptive parents who think that fertile people shouldn’t adopt at all, or should only be allowed to adopt from foster care. International adoptive parents vs. foster adoptive parents vs. domestic private adoption parents. Wherever there can be a division, there is one. Sometimes, it seems like no one can agree on anything. The animosity between groups can be frightening.
I continue to be surprised that laws are so different from state to state, or even county to county. One sure way to increase ethics and reduce fees and fraud would be to have federal adoption laws.
I am consistently surprised by the people who call themselves “experts” who are really just adoptive parents with loud voices. I saw a quote recently: “If you know one adoption, you know one adoption.” Exactly. (That quote is apparently by Joyce Macguire Pavao.)
Adoption is huge. There are so many different types of adoption, to begin with. Then you throw personalities into the mix – actual people as opposed to stereotypes. You can add religion, or not, infertility, or not. People are all different ages, from different time periods. You have people from all places who are thrown into one big community called “adoption.” A lot of these people are just trying to figure out their own lives, but that doesn’t stop some of them (myself included, sometimes) from telling others what they should do.
We are all different. We have all come to adoption from different perspectives. We all bring our own experiences to the table. I don’t think there is the adoption experience. There are many adoption experiences, and we will have many surprises on our different journeys.
I’ve been surprised by all the factions within adoption too, especially because they often seem to be at odds. You’re right about everyone coming to this from their own place, and I wonder why more people don’t appreciate that..
Well, I think part of it is that people like to be right. I also think some people like to blame others for their problems, whether the others are to blame or not. The general lack of listening that occurs in the adoption “community” astounds me.
I haven’t heard that quote before of “if you know one adoption, you know one adoption”… how true! I very much agree with you about the need for standardized federal adoption laws. It would really improve adoption ethics and before passing, would facilitate discussion across the country.
I saw in on Facebook, then looked it up to see who said it. I really think it’s true.
I have to admit that I hadn’t thought about the discussion federal adoption laws would generate – more people would certainly learn about adoption, which I do believe can only be a good thing.
This is so true! It is sad how much division there is in the adoption community and I agree that we news to understand that although what we are doing is very similar, it looks very different from one family to the next. I think that sharing our experiences with each other is so important to help us to understand each other and this journey better. Thanks for sharing!
*need not news
Thanks for reading and commenting!
I think what surprises me the most is the assumptions people make about adoption. Just today an old lady asked if I “saved” Cadet “from the ghetto”. Really?? There are so many wrong things wrapped up into that one question. Great post!!
You and I don’t live all that far apart, and yet, you get the most outrageous comments! I think all I’ve ever gotten is, “Is/are he/she/they yours?” and one nasty comment about “the family resemblance.” Of course, I’ve gotten the obligatory “lucky” comments too, but nothing really rude.
Yes, I agree, these items surprised me too. I have several friends who were adopted and they were all very positive and encouraging when we decided to adopt, so I was a little blown away when I learned that’s not the overall response.
Sadly, I think it’s just our human tendency to try to build ourselves up by tearing others down. Thus the way I brought more children into my family must be better than your process. sigh Good post.
I think you’re right too – there is a tendency to be all “I’m better than you” especially when it comes to parenting.
Federal laws would be so welcomed! So many of the pitfalls of our experience was because of adopting from a different state. I have discussed this idea w my rep and he is so clueless about adoption it just made me mad! I think federal laws would regulate the ethics of adoption as well specifically in the area of fathers rights.
I’ve been surprised and how fearful people are about adopting. I have had several friends tell me if fertility treatments didn’t work they would rather be childless. (Its usually followed up by how lovely my daughter is but they wouldn’t want to adopt….. I’ve wanted to respond good because adoption clearly is not for you but I have behaved).
I’m about to do a loooong series of posts about my ideas for federal adoption laws. Not that anything will come of it, except perhaps intelligent discussion. That would be good, though, I think.
When I was in NH, I knew some couples who chose not to adopt because they didn’t think their families could handle it. I never really understood that. I can understand being afraid to a point, but to let that fear stop you from having children entirely? Especially when those fears are probably irrational?
Good for you for behaving!