Leap You!
29 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in not kids, past Tags: cmu, college, lysistrata, theatre
I knew that I had to write a post for Leap Day. When I thought about Leap Day, the phrase, “Leap you!” immediately sprang to mind, and I was back in college again…
In fall of my freshman year, I was in the play Lysistrata. There was one naked woman, about a dozen men with foam phalluses, and about a dozen women in togas. I was The Policewoman, who pretended to be in labor to get out of the Acropolis to go have sex with one of the men.
At some point near the end of the play, a treaty is reached, and in celebration, people say, “Leap!” Two of the freshmen guys, John and Lou, coined the phrase, “Leap you!”
I know its popularity lasted all year. I’m pretty sure it hung around until we all graduated, though it was never as popular as “Happy Deepawali”, also coined by John and Lou, I believe.
I loved college.
February Break is Over. Hooray!
27 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in routine Tags: Cassie, Friends, Jackson, school
I’ve been very fortunate to make some new friends at Jackson’s new school. Unlike my son, who is “a friend to all,” I’m not very good at making friends, so I was worried. But I differ from some of my new friends. Several of them lament the end of breaks. I am all too happy that break is over.
I love my son. Jackson doesn’t do well with unstructured time. I feel guilty for not being able to give Cassie or Jackson the appropriate amount of attention. I had Jackson alone for almost six years. The only time Cassie and I have alone is Jackson’s school time. Now that she’s four months old and capable of organizing her daytime sleep (according to Dr. Marc Weissbluth of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child), I really want to get her on a nap schedule so she gets the sleep she needs.
When Jackson is home, Cassie does not have a routine. We had playdates on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. She slept at the park while I was standing up rocking her twice. (And boy was that painful!) I don’t think she slept at all on Wednesday. What we do is all about Big Brother.
Of course, Big Brother doesn’t see it that way. We have to leave places early because of Baby Sister. We have to run errands to get Baby Sister’s formula, diapers, and “teeving toys.” We have to be quiet if Baby Sister is actually, by some miracle, taking a nap.
I’m not complaining, exactly. I love both of my children and I am glad to have both of them. It’s this illusion of balance. I really do feel that Cassie gets the short shrift, but Jackson’s life is impacted just enough to make him feel marginalized. Meanwhile, I’d just like to play with my kids while keeping the house relatively clean.
What? It could happen.
Cassie is 4 Months Old!
25 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Cassandra, update Tags: Cassie, photos, update
Cassie officially turned four months old today. I thought she turned four months old yesterday, so I ended up taking two sets of 4 month pictures. Here’s the official one:
Cassie is 15 pounds, 6 ounces and 25.5 inches long. She’s in the 90th percentile for height and weight. She’s more than half of Jackson’s height. (He’s 44 inches and 44 pounds.)
Cassie can hold her head up while she’s on her tummy. She actually enjoys a little bit of tummy time. She can raise her chest, or, as Jackson says, “Sissy you just did a push up!”
She can laugh out loud, especially when Big Brother is misbehaving to make her do so. She also likes jumping on the bed with him. I’ll have to have Daddy take some video.
She “tracks like a bloodhound” with her eyes – that’s a quote from her doctor.
She can totally hold her head steady. She keeps her head level when you pull her to a sitting position.
She just started holding toys, like her rattle and teether toy. However, she doesn’t really reach for objects.
She has rolled over once, in her swing. Now, we buckle her in better. She’s really trying to roll from back to front, but she can’t seem to make her legs go over.
She has been turning in the direction of a voice for months now. She really recognizes my voice, Daddy’s, and Big Brother’s. She’s also intrigued by other babies when they make noise.
She’s babbling a little bit. We have one or two babble sessions per day. “Ooo” seems to be big on her list. She’s accidentally said “hi” and something that sounds like “mama”.
She’s been bearing weight on her legs when held upright since she was three months old. I think she’s going to be an early walker.
She can’t sit without support yet.
That’s our little girl!
Remember when Jackson was four months old?
February Photos
24 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Cassandra Tags: Cassie, photos
I created this post about Cassie turning 4 months old. Then, I looked at the date on my computer calendar, and realized she didn’t turn 4 months old today. She turns 4 months old tomorrow.
So, here are some pretty pictures. Stay tuned for a big post tomorrow.
It was 70 degrees in February (or, as Jackson said, “summer in wintertime”) so she wore a lovely pink dress… that’s really too small for her.
Happy Tummy Time, February 24
Super Bowl Sunday #1
Super Bowl Sunday #2
Cassie and Jackson on Super Bowl Sunday
Valentine's Day
Teething, February 17
Parenthood’s Adoption Story Line Is Almost Over
23 Feb 2012 2 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: adoption, parenthood, TV
I really do more than just watch TV. It just happens that many of the TV shows I’m watching have adoption plots, and I’m watching shows while I create invitations for the Twilight-themed baby shower I’m planning for a friend.
So, I watched Parenthood tonight.
I’m not overly fond of the Parenthood adoption storyline. Joel & Julia decide they’re going to adopt during the season finale. In the next season’s opener, they’re apparently done with the home study and are showing their profiles to expectant mothers. Then, Julia finds out that the “coffee girl” at her office is having a baby and placing said baby for adoption. So Julia asks to “buy” the coffee girl’s baby. At first, “coffee girl” says no, because she wants a closed adoption. But Julia is just so darn nice, that “coffee girl” says yes. And then “coffee girl” finally becomes Zoe. Zoe’s boyfriend, the baby’s father, basically wants to sell the baby. He asks for $20 or $30 thousand, and when J & J say that’s illegal, he says, no adoption. But eventually, Zoe convinces him to sign “the papers”. Along the way, Zoe moves in with J & J, and then moves out when she needs space, not that Julia ever gives her that space.
On Tuesday’s episode, Zoe has her baby. It’s a boy, which we knew all along. Julia is there for labor and delivery. When Julia, Joel, and their daughter Sydney go to get the baby from the hospital, Zoe is in the nursery, holding the baby. Julia assumes her bitch zombie face. We are meant to believe that, without any words being spoken, Zoe is going to parent her baby, and J & J are going to leave the hospital baby-less.
You know what upsets me the most?
Never anywhere has a social worker shown up.
Even in Jackson’s adoption, which was a real clusterf*@k at the hospital, there was a social worker involved. The social worker was very involved in Cassie’s adoption. Where is the social worker for Zoe? For J & J? There’s been zero support for any of them, adoption-wise. Did Julia not know that it was Zoe’s right to see the baby in the hospital? Did no one prepare Zoe or Julia for this?
Why no, they didn’t. Which is wrong on so many levels.
From a legal standpoint, Parenthood has simply been making things up. In California, consent can take place only after the (birth) mother has been discharged from the hospital, unless an agency is involved, and we haven’t seen anyone from an agency. Furthermore, consent must be signed before witnesses. And I don’t know what “papers” Zoe’s boyfriend signed, because in California, a birthfather cannot sign a TPR before the baby is born.
I know it’s TV, and they’re going to take liberties, but can we at least get something right? Can we at least see an adoption professional counseling these people? And please Parenthood, you really need to stop with the music montages and the brooding faces.
Once Upon a Time
20 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in not kids Tags: once upon a time, TV
I’m not going to tell you a story. I’m talking about the TV show, Once Upon a Time. I’ve been watching it since the pilot. Ever since I played Granny in Into the Woods in high school, I’ve really enjoy fractured fairy tales.
If you don’t watch the show, here’s the premise: The Evil Queen placed a curse on the entirety of fairytale land, placing them all in the present day. None of them, save the Queen, knows who they are. Very few of them are where they should be. For example, Snow White is a primary school teacher and Prince Charming begins as an unknown comatose patient, and ends up married to some random woman he doesn’t love. Enter Henry, the Queen’s adopted son, who has a book that details everyone’s lives, pre-curse. In the first episode, he finds his birthmother, Emma, who is really Snow White and Prince Charming’s daughter. She was sent to this realm as a baby, because she could end the curse. Unfortunately, she ended up appearing abandoned by the side of a freeway and grew up in foster care. Henry convinces her to come back to Storybrooke, Maine to break the curse. Of course, Emma doesn’t believe in the curse, but she does believe that Henry might need her, because she knows that Regina (the Queen) is lying when she says she loves Henry.
The adoption storyline is probably the most real of any on TV right now. The adoptive mother verbally berating the birthmother who shows up on her doorstep in the middle of the night is over the top, but I have actually seen adoptive parents write the same words in forums. I think Emma does a great job of playing the birthmother aspect of her role.
Unfortunately, the Queen always wins. So far, only two other people have clued in that they’re really fairy tale characters. One has always known but played dumb. The other started to figure it out and the Queen killed him. A mysterious stranger is in town, and I’m pretty sure he knows what’s up, but we don’t know for sure.
The pace is incredibly slow. I’m guessing the creators don’t know how they’ll sustain the show if/when everyone figures out they’re fairy tale characters, so they’re dragging that part out as long as they can.
Two weeks ago, I was ready to quit. Then, I saw that Emilie de Ravin (aka Claire from Lost) was going to play Belle (as in Beauty) in the next episode. So, I said if Good didn’t win at the end of that episode, I’d quit. Good made some headway, but so did Evil. I made the same deal for this week. Evil definitely won, but there was more about the Stranger…
I can’t decide if I want to watch this show or not. It pisses me off almost every week. It’s the most intriguing show I’ve watched in years, and definitely the most original. I really want it to work…
So, do I keep watching, or wait for the series to end and catch it on DVD?
Having Enough White Friends
16 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in issues Tags: a gate at the stairs, Friends, Jackson
Yesterday, in my review of A Gate at the Stairs, I wrote:
What stuck with me the most was an incident that occurred on a playground. Emmie and another (white) girl are playing nicely. The girl’s mother, mistaking Tassie for Emmie’s mother, suggests that the two girls get together for a playdate sometime. You see, the girl doesn’t have any black friends and – Tassie cuts her off, saying “Mary-Emma already has a lot of white friends.” She doesn’t want Mary-Emma to be a lesson for this girl, an example.
When I asked Max for his opinion, he said he’d probably side with Tassie. I’m not so sure.
In almost all literature for parents who have adopted transracially, we are encouraged to make friends with people of our children’s ethnicity, culture, and/or color. We are essentially told, “Go make friends with black people.”
How is what the other mother asks any different? She would like her white child to have non-white friends. She is actively seeking diversity in her child’s life. Maybe it would have ended badly, and Emmie would end up some sort of token friend. Or maybe, Emmie and this girl could have become true friends.
Without being inside the other mother’s head or seeing her body language, I don’t know if what she asks is unacceptable. The writer doesn’t provide us with any insight. She simply writes that the mother sees the two kids getting along and asks Tassie for a playdate.
I suspect that one of my white friends specifically wanted to be friends with us initially because Jackson is black. We also shared some ideology, so that probably helped, but I know this person values diversity and wants her children to be friends with people of different colors and backgrounds. No one ever made a big deal of Jackson being black, and I don’t think the parents pointed it out to their kids in any way. If we hadn’t had anything in common, it would have been very awkward, but we do, in fact, have a lot in common. We’ve since grown apart, because the kids go to different schools and play different sports. However, I don’t particularly mind how we “got together.” Again, this is just a suspicion, nothing that we ever talked explicitly about. I don’t know how I would have felt if she had said, “Hey, your kid’s black, let’s play!”
If she had said that, I can’t say I’d blame her. With so much emphasis on making friends with people who look like our child, there have been times when I’ve wanted to say, “Hey, your kid’s black, let’s play!” I also have said, “We need a playdate; Jackson needs more friends who are boys.” (He’s very popular with the ladies.) Does that mean the moms should be offended because if their kids were girls I wouldn’t want to play with them as badly? Maybe they should.
Frankly, I’ve never been good at making friends, so if anyone shows an interest in being friends with Jackson or me, I’ll take it. I’d rather accept the invite and see what happens then be offended and take some sort of squishy moral highground.
Book Review: A Gate at the Stairs
14 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in adoption, not kids Tags: a gate at the stairs, adoption, book review, books, reading, transracial adoption
Back story: I have an 8-page wish list on Amazon.com, Library Books. Two weeks ago, we took Cassie for her first visit to the library. Max came too, so I got a chance to go through the list and check two books out!
I heard about A Gate at the Stairs, by Lorrie Moore, from Jenna. I read it because it prompted her to ask the question “What should exclude parents from adopting and/or can you still be a “good” parent/person after a big mistake?” I really wanted to know what the mistake was.
The book is really a coming of age story about Tassie Keltjin. It just happens to feature adoption. Tassie, a 20-year old college student who’s never been far from her Midwestern home, takes a job as a baby-sitter for Sarah Brink and her husband Edward. The thing is, when Tassie is first hired, Sarah says that they’re adopting a baby in January. Tassie says, “Congratulations” and it’s pretty much that attitude that gets her the job. The next day, Sarah takes Tassie, but not Edward, to meet a “birth mother.” So, at this point, Sarah isn’t even matched with an expectant mom, yet she hires a baby-sitter and takes her to a match meeting.
That match meeting does not work out. The expectant mother wants her baby to be baptized Catholic, but Sarah is half-Jewish (as is Tassie), and not religious at all.
Then, Sarah flies with Tassie to Green Bay to meet a baby who “might be as much as two”. All I kept thinking was, this author doesn’t know anything about adoption. It turns out, she actually has a teenager who was adopted. Still, I wondered what kind of adoptive parent doesn’t even ask how old the child she might be adopting is? And as the story unfolded, I really couldn’t believe a lot of it happening.
For example, Sarah doesn’t know, but suspects, that the “baby” might be Black. It turns out that the child is at least 1/4 Black. Again, this is something most adoptive parents would ask about before flying to meet a child. The parents are again told to lie about their religion. The birthmother wants a Catholic family, and may have been waiting for a Black or interracial couple since her daughter was born. The daughter, Mary, has been in foster care for almost two years. That’s the next thing I can’t imagine happening – a healthy, drug-free baby girl waiting in foster care for two years? If Catholic Charities (the agency who has the child) networked at all, I’m sure they could have found a family for said baby.
Sarah and Edward do become the foster parents for this child, and have every expectation of adopting her. Of course, Tassie spends more time with the child, whom Sarah renames Mary-Emma, or Emmie for short. Sarah and Tassie find that racism is quite alive in their little town, so Sarah starts a group for parents of Black children, some adopted, some not. What comes out of these people’s mouths! Some of it is so stupid, it’s almost profound. Most of it is just clueless banter.
What stuck with me the most was an incident that occurred on a playground. Emmie and another (white) girl are playing nicely. The girl’s mother, mistaking Tassie for Emmie’s mother, suggests that the two girls get together for a playdate sometime. You see, the girl doesn’t have any Black friends and – Tassie cuts her off, saying “Mary-Emma already has a lot of white friends.” She doesn’t want Mary-Emma to be a lesson for this girl, an example. I’m going to write more about this concept, but that’s another post.
A little more than halfway through the book, the big reveal occurs. To sum it up, Sarah and Edward committed a crime, received suspended sentences, moved away, and changed their names. They weren’t up front with the agency about this. They lose Emmie.
Here again, I don’t believe this could happen. A criminal background check, including fingerprints, is required by almost all states in a typical home study. Sarah and Edward would never have passed the home study.
How they lose Emmie also irks me. The child is literally yanked away from her protesting mother. She has nothing but a garbage bag full of random items to go with her. Given that the child is about 2-years old, and that she had been calling this woman “mama”, wouldn’t the agency arrange for an actual transition? At no point in this book does any adult treat Emmie like a person. She’s a doll that’s flung from one place to another.
Sarah and Edward losing Emmie isn’t the end of the book. You see, A Gate at the Stairs isn’t actually about adoption. It’s about Tassie. And more stuff happens to her. Or around her, really. To say that this book meanders is an insult to meanderers. This book wanders more than an Alzheimer’s patient. The adoption story is good. The rest of the book is not. I would honestly recommend that people read only the parts that have to do with Tassie’s interactions with Sarah, Edward, and Emmie. It won’t take you long, and it will really give you insight into the Midwest mindset on race in 2002.
RobynC’s Open Adoption Roundtable Posts
14 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: blog
From February 2009 to December 2010, I was a paid blogger for AdoptionBlogs.com. During that time, I participated in the Open Adoption Roundtable as much as possible. I’m not allowed to repost those posts, but I want to save them. Without further ado, here is a list of all of my Open Adoption Roundtable posts as RobynC:
- #20 Siblings
- #19 Open Adoption Is About…
- #18 Professionals
- #17 Don’t Want to Know
- #16 Grown Up Jack
- #15 Money
- Interview Project: All I Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten
- #14 Success
- #13 Agreement
- #12 A New Year
- #11 Open Adoption and the Holiday Season
- #10 Birthdays
- #9 Excuses, Excuses
- #8 If You’re Not Already Reading These Blogs
- #7 Privacy
- #6 Naming
- #5 Changes
- #4 Small Moments
- #3 Open Adoption Wish List
- #2 Fathers
- #1 Note to Future Self…
What We Want Others to Know About Adoption
13 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
(I’m converting our domain, rmcsquared.net, into our professional web site and moving all personal content to this blog. Eventually, I’ll have to figure out what to do with it and how to organize it. Until then, I’m just creating a series of posts with the .net content.)
I’m active on the forums at adoption.com. One November, which is National Adoption Month, each forum leader asked this question:
What 3 things would you want others to know most about adoption?
I thought that some of the answers should be accessible to people who aren’t on the adoption forums, so I’m taking my favorites and posting them here, beginning with my three.
- Not all parents who adopt are infertile. Not all women want to be pregnant. And that’s OK.
- Adopting a child of a different race makes no difference in the amount that we love him, or that he loves us.
- NO the birthparents CANNOT come and take him back!
- We do not love our children any less or any differently because they are adopted. “The love and the bond are no different whether by birth or adoption.”
- Yes, we are our children’s REAL parents and they are our REAL children.
- The birthparents cannot come back and take the child. Nor are we afraid that they might kidnap him or her.
- Adoption does not mean buying a child.
- You can adopt a newborn in the US without waiting several years.
- Adoption is not a second choice, nor is it second best. Adoption is not a consolation prize. We didn’t have to “settle for” adoption.
- Sometimes adoptive parents have frustrating days too. Just because we adopted, doesn’t mean that we can’t complain about having a bad day.
- Birthparents do love their children. They did not give the child away, they chose to place the child for adoption. We are thankful that our children’s birthmoms loved them enough to bring them into the world and to give them a good family.
- There are no typical birthparents. Not all birthparents are teenagers, they don’t necessarily use drugs, they aren’t necessarily on welfare, … there are so many stereotypes.
- Adoptive parents are not the bad guys. We do not force birthmothers to give up their children.
- Adoption is not something people do because Brad and Angelina did it. Adoption is not a fad.
- Adoption is not about rescuing children; it’s about building a family. We are not saints. Our children need not be grateful to us because we “took them in”; they are all precious gifts, and we are all lucky to have our families.
- It’s not OK to ask personal questions about my child or his/her birthparents, especially when that child is right there.
- The adoption process can be long, emotionally draining, and invasive.
- Adoption does not necessarily cost more than delivering a baby in a hospital.
- We are happy that we have a relationship with our child’s birthparents. We don’t “have to deal with them”; we want them in our lives.
- Just because we adopt doesn’t mean we’re going to get pregnant. And if we do get pregnant after adoption, the adoption likely didn’t have anything to do with it.
- One kind of adoption is not necessarily better than any other.
- Adoption from foster care is not necessarily easier than other types of adoption. Adopting from foster care is not a way to make money.
- Just because we adopted doesn’t mean we can’t get pregnant and have biological children. If we can’t have biological children, we’re not necessarily in mourning. Some of us are OK with not being pregnant.
- A lot of people are adopted!
- No, we will not “send him back” if we get pregnant, adopt again, or if he gets into trouble and drives our car into a lake.
