Open Adoption Roundtable #33: What I Have Learned About Open Adoption in 2011

30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in not kids, open adoption roundtable Tags:

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #33.

What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?

I started out with a very cynical “what I learned about open adoption in 2011″ idea, then realized that it was really a “what I learned about the adoption process in 2011″. I’ll still probably write that, but it didn’t answer the question at hand.

So I really started thinking: What did I learn about open adoption in 2011?

I finally realized that 2011 wasn’t an epiphany year as past years have been. In the past, I’ve learned (in no particular order): not all birthmothers are the same, relationships change, open adoption is hard, and open adoption is important to my son.

When the year began, I wanted to learn more about the experiences of people who aren’t adoptive parents. I ended up focusing on birth parents. I almost wrote “birthmothers” but I did find and follow two birthfather blogs as well. (They seem to be the only two in existence, which is too bad, but that’s another post.)

I learned quite a bit from reading birth parent blogs. Although many of their situations are different, they all seem to share a distinct feeling of loss for their placed children. None of the birth parents I follow regret their decisions, exactly, though they do sometimes regret the actions or circumstances that led them to their decisions. None of these people regretted having their children, and all of them are fiercely protective of their children.

I find it interesting that people from very different backgrounds and situations who may have very different individual experiences so often relate the same feelings. I think I’ll have to look at adoptive parent blogs and see if we exhibit a similar trend, but I’m not sure that we do.

So, what did I learn about open adoption in 2011? I guess I learned more about what open adoption is like through other people’s eyes. Nothing earth shattering, no epiphanies, but a lesson learned nonetheless.

First Christmas/Sixth Christmas

29 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in Christmas Tags: ,

This was Cassie’s first Christmas and Jackson’s sixth Christmas. Jackson was FAR more excited than Cassie.

I was woken up just before 8:00 am. I drove over to Starbucks, where I somehow managed to order the proper coffee for the grandparents and for myself. I returned home, where Jackson was chomping at the bit to open his first present of the day, and Sissy’s. Sissy could not have cared less, which disappointed Jackson.

Jackson got to open one present, then wanted to open another. Fortunately, the grandparents arrived and brought more presents! Jackson and Max distributed the presents. We each got to open one – in age order, per Jackson’s instructions – then Jackson opened all of his. He was so excited to play with his presents, and upset that Cassie didn’t care about hers, that he said I could open her presents. I did, which was kind of odd since I had bought most of them. But we did get some very lovely surprises from friends and family.

Jackson received $45, the Kreo Starscream, the smaller Hogwarts Lego set, 2 stuffed animals, 7 or 8 books, 3 pairs of pjs, candy, clay, a Transformers shirt, a calculator, Phineas and Ferb Band-Aids, pin art, foam, a parachute man, models to build, a Star Wars Lego set, and a new sports-themed bed set.

Cassie received $45, 2 new dresses, 1 new pair of pjs, a Steelers outfit, a Gymboree outfit, a Gymboree tutu set (in 18-24 months – my aunt just wanted to buy tutus so she called and asked when our clothes “ran out”), a seahorse that plays music and lights up, 6 books, 2 stuffed animals, a swaddle blanket, a stacker toy, 2 new binkys and a binky purse, new burpcloths, 2 wooden toys, 2 new cloth gdiapers, socks that look like shoes, bottles, and 2 first Christmas ornaments.

I made the grandparents a snack of toast on English muffin bread, then called my sister, who was en route to South Carolina. I made the mistake of telling her that Jackson hadn’t opened his “big present” yet. Jackson heard me, and immediately started asking what the “big present” was. After Max was done prepping something in the kitchen, we were able to get Jackson to open the last of Cassie’s presents for her, since she had woken up again. Then, I produced the “big present” in a small box.

I have a video of him opening it. When he realized it was his “very own iPod Touch” he got very happy. He looked straight at the camera and said, “This is the best present ever.” I had spent several nights loading it with his games, music, and videos. He kept it with him for the rest of the day.

Max made dinner, or lunch, depending on how you look at it. It went relatively well. Jackson continued his recent behavior of not eating anything, despite the fact that he likes the food we put in front of him. I’m hoping it’s just a phase.

After dessert, we were debating whether or not to call my Aunt Carol when she called. We had a lovely chat with her and with her daughter, my cousin Jessica, who is getting married next year! I’m so old.

Speaking of being old, you know you’re old when you ask for pajamas and a laptop battery for Christmas. I got 4 pairs of pjs and 1 battery, and they made me very happy. I also got a $30 iTunes gift card, which is now down to $9.98 as of this writing. Jackson made us ornaments in school. Max got the new Sports Night collection, an iTunes card (which is all gone now), the new Legend of Zelda game, and The Ferret Calendar.

Christmas was a success, I think. Now, on to Jackson’s Sixth Birthday.

I really am old.

Cassie is Two Months Old!

25 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in Cassandra, update Tags: , ,

Christmas Day was also Cassie’s two month “birthday.” I’ll write about her first Christmas (and Jackson’s 6th) tomorrow, but I wanted to post her two month photo and update tonight.

Cassie with Honey and Her Bear

Cassie's Official Two Month Photo

We took her to the doctor on Wednesday. She is 11 pounds, 5 ounces and 23 inches long. That puts her in the 25th to 50th percentile for weight and 50th to 75th for height.

Cassie smiles! She always smiles the first time she sees big brother when he comes home from school. She often smiles for me when she sees me the first time each day or after it’s been awhile.

One of the second month milestones is that she should respond to a bell in some way. I don’t ring bells near her, so I have no clue if she would respond to a bell. She doesn’t seem to startle much due to noise when she sleeps, but she sure does notice it otherwise.

She’s starting to coo too. I remember Jackson cooing more, but that could be just me. No, I just looked at his two month post, and he was definitely cooing more.

We don’t put her on her tummy much. Actually, we don’t put her down much during the day. She doesn’t like to be put down. She’ll play for short periods of time in her play gym or lying on a bed with Jackson. However, she doesn’t like to sit in her chairs. She’s OK in her swing for a bit. She really likes being worn. My friend Autumn taught me how to use the Baby Bjorn, so now I have another carrier in my arsenal, and I can use both hands! My friend Shaina brought over a new mei tai too and Annemarie brought another sling that Max can use.

I suppose we’ll have to start tummy time soon. Jackson never had it. He had bad acid reflux, so learned to flip himself over off of his tummy almost from birth. Seriously. He would roll onto his side first, then, a bit later, he learned to kind of throw himself onto his back. I think he’s developed OK nonetheless.

She holds her head pretty steady when she’s upright, but she’s still a little wobbly. However, it’s good enough that now Jackson is allowed to hold her while he stands up. However, as she’s 25% of his weight, he can’t really go anywhere with her.

She can also follow objects with her eyes if you hold them in front of her, which is apparently an advanced skill for a baby her age. Just today, she stopped crying when she saw me shaking her bottle, and boy did she follow it! She’s looking around all the time now. Great-Grandma was really surprised by how much she’d grown in just one week.

Happy Holidays from the Chittister Family!

24 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in update Tags: ,

Hello Everyone! We hope this finds you healthy, happy for this holiday season, and hopeful for the year ahead. This year, we’re going to try something new—brevity! And so we present…

The Top Twelve Events of 2011

(in chronological order)

  1. Robyn started working for a new client. She’s completed two projects for them, and very much enjoys the group there. Both she and Max are able to work from home almost 100% of the time.
  2. Jackson turned 5! He had a Transformers-themed birthday party and loved every minute.
  3. We had an office put onto our house. Stanley Nelson at Bay Area Baths added a beautiful new space on time and on budget. Now, we have three bedrooms and a dedicated office space.
  4. Jackson played his first season of tee-ball. To be honest, he didn’t like it as much as soccer, but he still had fun.
  5. Grandma Sandy visited and attended the County Fair with us!
  6. Jackson graduated from preschool at Alice’s Montessori. His last day was the last day of July. Tears were shed. We’ll miss Alice’s (at least until October 2013).
  7. We spent the summer going places with our friends. We went to Howarth Park, Santa Cruz, the Monterey Bay Aquarium, Marine World (I’ll never call it Six Flags!), Tilden Park, and the Exploratorium.
  8. College friends Hunter and Lakshmi were married on July 10, 2011. We were thrilled to see Will who came all the way from Australia. We were fairly happy to see Gus & Jenn from Boston. We were nonplussed to see Mayhew, Scott & Katie, and the rest of the Silicon Valley crew, because we see them at the Red Sox v. A’s games.
  9. Jackson played his second season of soccer with a new coach—Coach Daddy! That’s right, Max and our friend Delon coached ten 4- and 5-year olds at soccer. No one was permanently scarred. (And even though we didn’t officially keep score, our team, the Sharks, won more than we lost.)
  10. Jackson started Kindergarten at Antioch Charter Academy II. He’s just started their Young Six program, and will be going full days next semester. According to his teachers, “Jackson is a friend to all.”
  11. We welcomed two new friends and two more new family members: Adeline Elise to Bill and Steph (Robyn’s cousins), Clark to Nina and Pete (Max’s friend from grade school), Cascade Lynn to Jen and Gabe (Robyn’s cousins), and Nicolás to Nacho and Helena (Robyn’s penpal since 5th grade).
  12. On October 25, 2011, our daughter Cassandra Zaishay Chittister was born in Baton Rouge, LA. She was 7 pounds, 8 ounces, and 19 inches long. Max and Robyn were in Baton Rouge for two weeks, while Jackson stayed home with Grandma Sandy and Grandpa Clyde. An interesting note: Jackson shares his birthday with our cousin Scott (January 17). Cassie shares her birthday with Scott’s younger sister, Sandy.

Happy Holidays and a Very Merry New Year!

Much Love,

Max, Robyn, Jackson, Cassie, Sassy, Jinxy, and Firefly

5×7 Folded Card
View the entire collection of cards.

Date with the Checkout Woman

20 Dec 2011 2 Comments

by chittisterchildren in adoption, not kids Tags: ,

We do 90% of our food shopping at a small grocery store that stocks mostly organic food. We’ve been going there since Jackson was about 1 year old, and many of the employees have been around awhile. One of the checkers is a black woman. We’ve always chatted whenever we happen to be in her line. She really seems to like Jackson. Last week, Jackson saw her in the store, and brought her over to see his baby sister. (I guess she was returning food to the shelves, so she wasn’t behind a cash register.)

We started chatting, and she asked, trying to be careful and going for maybe a little bit of humor, “How difficult was it to … acquire them?” I smiled and said, “It was easier to acquire Jackson than Cassie.”

It turns out she’s single and has been thinking about adoption for awhile now. She asked a few questions. It was clear that she had many of the misconceptions that people outside adoption usually have. I told her that if I was ever around when she had a break, I wouldn’t mind talking to her and answering her questions. She asked what my schedule was like this week! So, we ended up having coffee together today during her lunch break.

She asked some really good questions, like, “With the fees involved in adoption, what’s the difference between adoption and buying a baby?”, “How do you know it’s all ethical and above board?”

I shared my opinion on the subject (which I’m not sure I’ve explicitly written about, though I have mentioned it). I also told her about agencies, facilitators, and attorneys. I told her about the fees involved. I told her about Pact, specifically. I told her how long it took us to adopt Jackson (8 months, from signing with the facilitator to his birth) and how long it took us to adopt Cassie (19 months, from starting our home study to her birth). I told her about the home study, and what it entails.

She also talked a bit about race and a tiny bit about her view of transracial adoption. I might make a post of it.

In the end, she had to go back to work. She said that she “didn’t think it was something” she wanted to go through. So, I may have just talked the grocery store checker out of adopting. I rather hope not. Only time will tell.

Open Adoption Roundtable #32: Holiday Memories

16 Dec 2011 1 Comment

by chittisterchildren in open adoption roundtable Tags: ,

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #32.

This time we are going to focus in on one specific memory and record another small moment in the ongoing stories of adoption in our lives. Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption.

I wish I could share a memory about opening presents via Skype or getting a fun-filled phone call. Unfortunately, open adoption isn’t always roses, even at holiday time. My son’s birthmother often lives a difficult life, and that doesn’t stop just because the days are supposed to be merry and bright.

My very first holiday in open adoption happened a few weeks before Jackson was born. We matched with S in October. S and I had been talking on the phone for hours at a time since the beginning of December. I think it was the weekend before Christmas, she called me, upset. She hadn’t wanted to ask for any “birthmother expenses” but her mother was the only one in the family who was working, and her paycheck wouldn’t cover their lodgings. At the time, S was living with her mother, step-father, sister, and son in an extended stay hotel. If they didn’t have the money for the room, they could – and would – be thrown out.

She said she would pay me back, but could we please cover the room for the rest of the month?

I said she didn’t have to pay me back, I’d have to check with the attorney, but if it was legal, we’d absolutely pay for the rest of the month. How could we (or anyone) leave a family truly homeless for Christmas?

Twice since then, S has called us in a state of crisis around this time of year. I can’t remember the other Christmastimes, the calm ones. I’m sure we talked to her and to her family. I’m sure we all wished each other a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I really hope that someday soon, S and her kids get a Very Happy New Year.

So November Was National Adoption Awareness Month

09 Dec 2011 1 Comment

by chittisterchildren in adoption Tags: , , ,

Every November, the United States experiences National Adoption Awareness Month. National Adoption Awareness Month was created to promote awareness of the hundreds of thousands of children in foster care, at least half of whom are ready and waiting to be adopted. However, like many endeavors, National Adoption Awareness Month has changed. It is now a month to promote adoption – any type of adoption. It has also become a month to celebrate adoption.

More people than we realize are touched by adoption. Even if you are not an adoptive parent, an adopted person, or a birth parent, you probably know at least one person who is. For that reason alone, I’m all for adoption awareness. But what does “adoption awareness” mean? I think that’s a topic for another post. Briefly, the fact that people still use “You’re adopted” as a punch line shows that we need more awareness.

Obviously, I am pro-adoption. However, National Adoption Awareness Month really glosses over the issues in adoption. Not just the difficulties that all parties face, but the ethical issues. Sometimes, I’m not sure that there really is such a thing as an ethical adoption. Most of the time, I realize that’s a very pessimistic view. However, all parties should agree that we need more transparency, more morality, less money, and more knowledge about adoption and the processes involved.

As for celebrating adoption, yes, our family does celebrate adoption. But, we do realize that adoption comes with loss. I don’t believe, as some very respected writers do, that adoption is all about loss. Jackson gained quite a bit in becoming our son, and we gained even more in him becoming our son. However, he did lose relationships with his biological family. Yes, we do talk to them – mostly to his birth grandmother. He knows who they are. But he feels very keenly that he has siblings who do not live with him. He realizes that he’s lost the chance to be a real, hands on little brother, for example. There is loss in adoption. We celebrate the gains, but we must acknowledge the loss. I don’t think National Adoption Awareness Month mentions loss at all.

I’m really ambivalent about National Adoption Awareness Month. I think its original goal is Good ™ – to draw attention to the children who are languishing in foster care. But even then, there are so many potential issues when people try to adopt from foster care. Again, this is another post that I’ve been writing in my head for years. It’s just so big. To take just one example, it seems that we only hear about the two extremes: Children who were adopted from foster care who end up being awful and hurting their families or children who were adopted from foster care and are perfect angels. National Adoption Awareness month glosses over the very real issues that many children from foster care face – at least from what I’ve seen of the coverage.

These conflicting emotions are why you didn’t see any posts from me acknowledging National Adoption Awareness Month. Maybe next year, I’ll have the time to really delve into some of them. Then again, as Cassie will be one, maybe not.

Jackson’s First Parent/Teacher Conference

03 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by chittisterchildren in Jackson, school Tags: ,

On Friday, we had Jackson’s first parent/teacher conference at ACA II. I could write lots of glowing praise for him. Instead, I’ll just post a few tidbits that friends and family might find interesting.

  • My favorite quote: “Jackson is enjoyable to have in our classroom. He is a good friend to all.”
  • Jackson needs some help with his fine motor skills, especially when it comes to writing. He needs to be more careful when he writes and draws shapes.
  • Jackson “does well thinking mathematically and is very logical in arriving at his answer.” Apparently, one of the hallmarks of a logical/mathematical learner is that they have a reason for everything, and will negotiate anything. That’s Jackson!
  • He got favorable marks in all of his assessment areas. They don’t do grades, but indicate if he is performing at, above, or below the level he should.
  • “Jackson is very focused and is not distracted easily. He is attentive in large groups as well as independent work.” In a world where so many boys are labeled “ADD” or “ADHD” it’s wonderful to have a teacher point out that my son can focus.

And… Jackson gets to start the Young Six program on Monday! He’ll go to school all day two days per week for awhile, then three, then all four. (All of Primary has half days on Fantastic Friday.) He’s been asking since mid-September if he can go to school all day and do more of his Montessori works. I’m afraid he’s forgotten his multiplication. His teacher was very amenable to the idea. In fact, it was her idea to start Monday instead of waiting for January.

Boy am I glad I got that Star Wars lunch box on Woot!. 

Jackson

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Cassie

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.