What I Get to Do
03 Oct 2011 6 Comments
in adoption Tags: adoption, gender
Many people, including at least one family member, think it’s not OK to specify gender. The argument is almost always the same: “You wouldn’t get to do that if you were pregnant.”
Using that logic, let’s see what else I wouldn’t get to do if I were pregnant:
- I wouldn’t get to gather six character references from family, neighbors, and friends to recommend me as a good parent.
- I wouldn’t get to be fingerprinted and go through an FBI-level criminal background check and child abuse clearance.
- I wouldn’t get to submit my tax returns, financial statements, and income verification letters to prove I could provide financially for a child.
- I wouldn’t get to go through a physical the likes of which our insurance will not cover.
- I wouldn’t get to ask my child’s teacher for a letter about his behavior and readiness for a baby sister.
- I wouldn’t get to ask my dear friends to be guardians and get to ask them to divulge their financial information to my agency on a notarized form so they can prove they could provide for a child.
- I wouldn’t get to prove that my husband and I have life and health insurance.
- I wouldn’t get to have my home inspected to prove that it’s a safe and healthy place to raise a child.
- I wouldn’t get to spend hours researching every agency that I’d ever heard of to find one to represent us.
- I wouldn’t get to create multiple adoption profile books to show expectant parents what kind of family we are, in the hopes of connecting with one of them.
- I wouldn’t get to lose hundreds of dollars when an unscrupulous woman scammed us. And I was lucky – some adoptive families are taken for thousands, or even tens of thousands of dollars.
- I wouldn’t get to freak out every time I think about all of the what if’s – what if she changes her mind? What if the baby’s not healthy? What if she really does know the birthfather and he shows up?
- I wouldn’t get to spend the first days or weeks of our baby’s life in a hotel room while we wait for paperwork to go through.
- I wouldn’t get to submit detailed expenses to the IRS in the hopes of getting some of those expenses back.
- I wouldn’t get to pay over $20,000 for the privilege of getting to do all of the above.
What would I get to do if I were pregnant?
- I would get to know, after about 16 weeks, with relative certainty, that I was going to have a baby.
- I would get to control, to some extent, what goes into the baby’s system.
- I would get to know that the baby wasn’t exposed to alcohol, cigarettes, or harmful drugs.
- I would get to have state health insurance.
- I would get to choose where to have the baby.
- I would get to go home with my baby pretty much whenever I wanted to.
- I would get to write off all of my pregnancy-related expenses on my taxes, no questions asked.
Looking at those lists, it’s pretty easy to see that adoption is nothing like pregnancy. I’m not pregnant. I’m adopting. It’s an invasive, expensive process. I chose to go through it knowing this. I also chose to go through it knowing that, because it’s not pregnancy, one perk is the ability to specify gender.
I have the most wonderful boy in the world. Now, we’ll have the most wonderful girl in the world. I’m not pregnant, so I get to choose this.
Oct 03, 2011 @ 21:25:01
Well said Robyn!!!
Oct 04, 2011 @ 06:38:04
Well said…I’m sure that I can only begin to imagine the difficult journey that you have been through to create your family…I’m so happy that you will get the complete family you truly desire. I’ve never had a problem w/ the gender choice thing…even folks that are pregnant often desire one sex over another….and if you do have the choice, why not get exactly what you want? And especially in adoption with it being such an expensive, long process. Even when I was pg, I wanted a boy…I’m sure it would have been good to have a girl, but I was relieved and super excited that I was having a boy…all my dreams came true with my little guy..now your dreams come true with having a boy AND girl…I think its just wonderful.
Oct 04, 2011 @ 20:07:46
I always thought I’d have a girl first. But when we adopted the first time, there really wasn’t a good reason to specify gender. We knew we wanted a boy and a girl, so why did it matter? And, of course, we got the best boy in the world!
Being a mom to a boy is different than being a mom to a girl. I’d like to experience both. Add to that the fact that my sister has 2 boys – we need some more estrogen!
Oct 04, 2011 @ 12:48:05
Robyn, I hear you! We’ve specified gender for all 3 of our kids. When anyone makes a comment about how if I were pregnant I wouldn’t get to choose, I tell them “hey, this is one perk of the adoption process, among all the junk we have to do, so I don’t want to hear it” Yes, I actually said that!
This time around we are open to gender, but I hate when people hear that and say “oh, that’s the way it SHOULD be” They get the same reaction as above!
Oct 04, 2011 @ 20:09:36
When people make comments like that I always wonder what, exactly makes them think they’re entitled to judge how others build their families.