Introducing Cassandra Zaishay Chittister
30 Oct 2011 7 Comments
in adoption Tags: adoption, Cassie, family
It’s official! Jackson is now a big brother!
Open Adoption Roundtable #31: Fear
28 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: birth family, open adoption, siblings
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. We’re now at Open Adoption Roundtable #31.
With Halloween just around the corner, I thought this prompt would fit right in:
Write about open adoption and being scared.
As I sit here in a hotel room, far, far away from my son, with a baby who is not yet mine, there’s an obvious fear to write about.
Instead, to take my mind off that, I’ll write about what has scared me about our open adoption situation for years.
Jackson’s birthmother, S, has three additional children whom she parents. Iggy is 7. However, an epileptic seizure left him with permanent brain damage. He is legally blind and functions at the level of an 18-month old. He may be autistic as well. Princess (formerly known as Baby A) is 3. CJ is 9 months.
As I’ve mentioned before, S doesn’t always make good choices. My biggest fear is that one of these choices will land her in jail, or worse, dead. What will happen to her kids? What will happen to their relationship with Jackson?
We have contact with S’s mom. She’s not in a position to take three children. I’m not sure she could take even just one. Iggy’s father is not involved in his life. (He may be in jail; I’ve lost track.) I have contact with Princess’s paternal grandmother. She seems to be a very good person. I don’t know if she’d be in a position to take Princess, but at least I know that if she did, we’d be in touch. S is currently living with CJ’s father. Frankly, he’s part of her not-so-good decision making. It’s because of him that we no longer have direct contact with S.
During a particularly trying time, S almost asked us to take care of Iggy. Unfortunately, I really don’t think we can. We’re not equipped to deal with such major special needs. Would we be able to take care of Princess and/or CJ? It would really depend on a number of factors. While I’ve always wanted a big family, Max would be perfectly happy with one child. (He’s happy with two children too, it’s just that he doesn’t feel that our family is incomplete at three members, the way I do.)
No matter what happened, I would want Jackson to be able to have a relationship with his siblings. If S’s kids end up in foster care, that’s not going to happen.
Now, hopefully S has or will start a new chapter in her life, and her decisions will be less risky. Even then, though, I might wonder, “What if S gets hit by a bus?”
Worry much, Robyn?
The Eagles Have Landed (and one of them doesn’t have email)
25 Oct 2011 4 Comments
in adoption Tags: adoption, louisiana, travel
Back in September we made reservations to go to Louisiana (LA) on October 25. As the date grew closer, we thought we’d postpone the trip by a day because my mother-in-law (MIL) was coming Monday night.
I went to bed at 3 am on Tuesday morning.
At 6:08 am I was awakened by a text gong – “The baby here.”
About 10 minutes later, there was a picture.
Laine had the baby on October 25 at midnight.
We changed all of our plans back to today and are now in Baton Rouge, LA.
The baby is not ours until Laine signs the termination of parental rights. The first day she can do that is Sunday.
I’d love to tell you more, but I’m really tired.
Also, I don’t seem to have email. By verifying my address – robyn@alumni.cmu.edu – I seem to have prevented anything that’s sent to it from getting to me. So, if you want to send me email, use robynchittister@att.net or robynchittster@gmail.com.
I hate AT&T.
On the other hand, I’m now a little in love with Southwest. Who’d a thunk?
Why We Don’t Go to (a Black) Church: Part Three
25 Oct 2011 6 Comments
in issues, not kids Tags: diversity, religion
Two days ago, I discussed my beliefs. Yesterday, I discussed my experiences. Today, I’ll finish explaining the church situation.
In looking for a church, I’ve found that most “Christian” churches exclude homosexuals. Many churches interpret the Bible literally. As I previously discussed, I don’t believe that Jesus would exclude homosexuals and I don’t believe that the Bible should be interpreted literally.
Based on my beliefs, the Quaker church is apparently the best fit. The nearest Quaker meeting house is 30 miles away. Similarly, the closest Unitarian Universalist church is also 30 miles away. (I’m also not really down with the UUs. Somehow, they seem a little too welcoming. It’s like the Groucho Marx line about not wanting to be a part of a club that would allow me as a member.)
A lot of people have told me to check out the Episcopal church. My concern with that is my perceived lack of diversity in the Episcopal church. It seems to me that most Black people are one of the flavors of Baptist, or nondenominational Christian. Apparently, there’s an African Methodist Episcopal Church here in Antioch. I had never heard of that. I should look into it.
I have a list of churches to look into, actually. After our experiences at the local Bethany Christian church, Max wanted to take some time off. We talked about it tonight. Because the world is small, one of the moms from Jackson’s school has just started attending the church we attended. She asked for my opinion, and I told her about the pastor’s sermon that offended me. She asked if I ever talked to him about it. I didn’t. Frankly, it made me too angry. When I asked Max about it, he said that the sermon seemed to contain “inappropriate humor” that didn’t make him angry. He really likes the pastor, but he doesn’t like the church for other reasons.
It would be nice to find a new church to attend for Christmas. I miss the spiritual part of my life. I can pray every day – and I usually do – but it would be nice to find a community to well, commune with. I also want Jackson to learn more about Jesus than just Christmas and Easter.
Why We Don’t Go to (a Black) Church: Part Two
24 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in issues, not kids Tags: diversity, religion
In yesterday’s post, I discussed my beliefs. In this post, I will discuss our actual experiences in going to church these past few years.
A few years ago, Jackson and I stumbled onto a church service at the junior high that’s two blocks away from our house. Here, a lot of churches meet in schools. The church was very integrated – I’d say about half Black, half everything else. The pastor was a young white man. There was a lot of singing, which Jackson loved. I went home and checked the church’s web site. Sadly, the church was far more conservative than I’m comfortable with. This isn’t a matter of practicing religion in a different way; this church did not match my beliefs.
About one year later, we went with a friend of ours to her church, which also met at a school. I had looked at the church’s web site before we attended, and, though there were a few areas of concern, it seemed acceptable. When we got to the service, almost the entire congregation was white. I remember a few Asian people. The service itself was fine. We went back. The church had bagels and coffee between services. Jackson wanted a bagel – the last bagel. I gave it to him. A man asked, “Is that your son?” I said, “Yes.” He said with a sneer, “I can see the family resemblance.”
That is the only time I have encountered hostility based on our status as a transracial family.
This past Easter, Jackson’s godmother emailed me, “I hope you’re taking my godson to church on Easter.” I guiltily looked up the Bethany Christian churches in our area. Jackson’s godparents belong to the Bethany Christian church, which I attended a few times with his godparents when we lived in NH. Aside from one thing, I’m OK with their basic tenets, so I thought we’d give it a try out here. The Bethany Christian church we went to here was very different from the one in NH. It was a lot more freeform. There weren’t readings. Most of the service was a sermon. The congregation was about half white, half people of color. We went several times. Each time the pastor gave a sermon, there were little digs at women. Once, he said something about women nagging men, for example. The last time we went, the sermon was based on Corinthians, and included the gem, “the man is the head of a woman”.
I read a good book several years ago, What Paul Really Said About Women. It discussed the original word that Paul used for “head.” If I remember correctly, it was an army term, meaning that men should protect women – march ahead of them. I remember sitting in Catholic church and listening to Father Joyce talk about the historical context of Paul’s writing. The pastor of this church gave such a chauvinistic sermon that I almost walked out. I no longer remember the exact point of the sermon, but I do remember him essentially saying that all women should be stay at home moms.
I was not going back to that. Jackson remembers the church, and really liked the Sunday school, but I’m not going to sit and listen to a man who has such backwards thoughts about the role of women in society.
We haven’t been back to church yet.
Why We Don’t Go to (a Black) Church: Part One
23 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in issues, not kids Tags: diversity, religion
Every so often, the adoption community has a hissy fit about diversity. It seems that two groups – the “love is enough” group and the “love isn’t enough” group – cause a big brouhaha. Inevitably, those new to transracial adoption will ask, “How do I ensure more diversity for my kids?” The number one answer is always ”attend a black church.”
I have decided to document why our family does not attend any church. This post will cover my spiritual and religious beliefs, in a nutshell.
[I] believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.
[I] believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us
menand for our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary , and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and His kingdom will have no end.[I] believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets.
[I] believe in one, holy, catholic*, and apostolic Church.
[I] acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
[I] look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.
That’s the Nicene creed. I was raised Catholic, and attended eight years of Catholic school.
Note the asterisk (*) next to the word “catholic.” That’s “catholic” with a lowercase “c,” meaning “universal in extent; involving all; of interest to all.” I no longer consider myself Catholic. As an adult, I came back to the church, but never really liked the Vatican. The entire concept seemed sketchy to me. The pope essentially decided he was infallible in 1870. I never bought that. But I liked the Mass.
Enter rampant sexual abuse of children by priests. My issue wasn’t so much that it existed – in any profession, you are going to find people who prey on children. In the 1980s, teachers abusing children came to light, and it seemed like every teacher was suspect. But the Vatican knew about the abuse and covered it up. I could no longer attend church and call myself Catholic. I was done.
You may note that the Nicene Creed does not contain any mention of the Bible being the one true, infallible Word of God. The Bible is a great, interesting book. I believe that the people who wrote it were inspired by God. I don’t believe it is infallible.
Earlier this year, I had to clean up web site text that had been translated from French to English. The amount of mistakes was staggering. The people who wrote it were educated. They wrote it down from their own minds and from documents that were created in the last two years. They had a great grasp of the French language, and probably speak English far better than I speak French. Still, they came up with translations like, “Create a calendar that looks like you” instead of “Create a calendar that you like.” If these people could make so many mistakes, I’m pretty darn sure that those who actually wrote and translated the Bible made mistakes too. Most of the stories had been around for hundreds of years before they were written. So no, the Bible is not the infallible Word of God.
Notice that the Nicene Creed doesn’t mention marriage. It certainly doesn’t say that marriage is between a man and a woman. Most of the Creed is about Jesus, who said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus did not discriminate on the basis of gender, race, religion, or socioeconomic status. I’m pretty darn sure he wouldn’t discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation either.
If you believe what Jesus taught then you have no basis for racial intolerance, no basis for treating women as second class citizens, no basis for denying rights to anyone or for treating anyone badly. Jesus didn’t say, “Love your neighbor as yourself, as long as he isn’t Muslim (or gay, or black, or whatever).”
Oddly, this belief in Jesus means that a lot of Christian churches don’t agree with me, as we’ll see in the next post.
OK, Baby, We’re Ready for You
20 Oct 2011 6 Comments
in adoption, not kids Tags: waiting
Awhile ago, I posted a list of things we needed to do before the baby is born. They’re all done.
I should clean my kitchen counters. (Who decided kitchen counters should be made of white material that holds on to stains so they never look clean?)
I will sweep up the downstairs bathroom floor again. (We keep the litterbox there.)
I have laundry to do. (There’s always laundry to do.)
But the to do list? Is done.
So baby, we’re ready for you!
I Broke Down and Did It
20 Oct 2011 3 Comments
I finally broke down and did it. I created a Baby Registry at Babies R Us.
When we matched with Jackson, I created registries right away. When we matched back in April, I didn’t. When we matched in July, I didn’t. When we matched in August, I didn’t. But the baby is due in 9 days, so I did.
I’ve had a private wish list on Amazon.com ever since Jackson was old enough to grow out of some of the things we wanted for him. But I hadn’t created a registry. It seemed presumptuous, and like it could possibly bring bad luck. It still kind of does.
You may be surprised, but the question, “When do we create a registry?” is asked a lot on adoption forums. My answer is always “Whenever you damn well please.” Thanks to Amazon’s Universal Wish List, you can put whatever you’d like on a private wish list, then go back later and make it public. You can add items from the places you want to register, then create real registries closer to – or after – the baby’s due date.
There aren’t any rules for this in the adoption world. Like many aspects of adoption, you just have to go with your gut.
Four Things
18 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
One of my favorite blogs is Production, Not Reproduction, home of the Open Adoption Roundtable. Open Adoption Roundtable #29 (in which I did not participate) was to link to your favorite post. Heather chose the post Four Things. I thought it was a great idea, so without further ado, here are my Four Things…
Four things I thought about adoption when I was a child:
- I thought that a building down the street from our house was an orphanage. My mom said something about children going there to be adopted. When I grew up, I found out it was a building for county social workers and the like.
- I thought anyone could adopt a child if they wanted to.
- I thought it was stupid not to tell kids they were adopted. (There were at least four adopted kids at my school, two who knew it, two who didn’t.)
- I thought it would be cool to be adopted.
Four things I’ve learned since then:
- The media hardly ever gets adoption right.
- Adopting a child is hard, but so worth it in the end!
- For me to build a family, someone else has to subtract from hers.
- Adoptions are like snowflakes – no two are alike.
Four silly things people have said to me about adoption:
- “You should become a foster parent first, to see if you can love a child who isn’t yours.”
- A family member told me that I shouldn’t post any information on the web that could be construed as negative because Jackson’s birthmother might take him back.
- My husband’s prior employer gave us a loan to pay for Jackson’s adoption. When we were late in paying back the loan (long story), the woman I was dealing with jokingly said that the company’s officers were talking about repossessing Jackson.
- “I wouldn’t tell anyone he was adopted. I’d just let them think I had a black boyfriend.”
Four things that are hard about adoption:
- So many people think that their experience is the only experience. That is, that all adoptions are alike, all birth parents, all adoptive parents, all adoptees are alike. That is so wrong, but some people just won’t listen.
- Knowing what S and her kids are going through, and knowing that there’s nothing I can do to help them.
- The patchwork of laws that govern adoption make adoption more difficult than it has to be, legally. And none of the laws seem to ensure that adoptions are any more ethical.
- In adoption, there’s a huge lack of control, and information is always changing.
Four ways my adopted child/placed child has surprised me (or how your adoptive/first parents have surprised you if you’re an adoptee):
- Jackson gets the fact that he has siblings who don’t live with him.
- Jackson is proud of the fact that we share German heritage. (His birthmother’s mother is German and was born there. My mother’s mother’s family came to the US from Germany in the 1700s.)
- Jackson seems to have taken all of the stuff that we’ve gone through in this adoption in stride.
- Jackson hasn’t asked more about his birth father. I’m surprised because he usually doesn’t let us get away with anything if he wants to know more.
Four things I wish everyone knew about adoption:
- Adoptions are like snowflakes – no two are alike.
- Birth parents aren’t all drug addicts.
- Adoption isn’t about saving children.
- Adoption needs reform now!
Work
17 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
Taking a brief break from adoption. A lot of people who don’t know me personally are starting to read the blog. Even people who do know me personally don’t know what it is that I do.
I am technical writer. I’ve worked for Netscape, Microsoft (as an intern, contractor, and full-time employee), e-Travel, and Oracle. Right now, I’m a contractor. I have two main clients, sort of. One client is the company for which I used to be a full-time employee (AQ). The other client is a company that leases employees. So, technically, I’m a leased employee for a government-related organization.
I work solely from home. For the GRO, I go in once a month. I wish they were closer so I could go in more. The people are really great, and I enjoy the work.
My hours are flexible. For the GRO, I work after Jackson goes to sleep.
AQ hasn’t used me in awhile, though they wanted to. I’m on a long-term assignment for the GRO. It should end at the end of this month, but it might extend to next month.
I’m planning on taking a vacation over the holidays. However, if AQ calls me and needs me to do something quick, I won’t turn down the money.
What exactly do I do? Well, I have done a lot of things:
- Help for Netscape Communicator
- Help for Hotmail
- Customer service docs and internal docs for Hotmail
- SQL Server training
- Training and user’s guides for documentation tools – FrameMaker, SGML/XML, WebWorks, XHTML, doc processes
Right now, for AQ, I write user’s guides and help. I also wrote their style and processes guide. For the GRO, I’m editing a book about California Labor Laws. I just spent a month indexing it. It’s a long book. Very heavy.
I really love how documentation is produced. I love documentation tools, like FrameMaker. I’m a FrameMaker expert, and I take real pride in that. Oracle was on the cutting edge with XML. I wish I had kept abreast of that. I’ll have a bit of a learning curve – getting up to date – the next time I’m called upon to use it. But I’m sure it will all come back to me.
I didn’t plan to be a technical writer, but I do enjoy it when I work for the right company. Oracle was the right company for a long time, and I truly miss my earlier days there, before the CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). My colleagues there were the very best.
I enjoy working for the GRO. I’d love it if they’d commit to hiring me even 8 months out of the year. I could plan then, and not necessarily have to supplement with AQ work. I like the people at AQ, but the work tends to be of the quick and dirty variety. I’m not really proud of anything I wrote there.
So that’s me. That’s what I do to make money. It’s a great gig for a mom.
