Will the Birthday Ever End?
31 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in birthday Tags: birthday, photos
This was a busy weekend. On Friday night, I had a Moms’ Night Out at the Olive Garden. On Saturday morning and afternoon, we attended the funeral of my Uncle Lowell. Today, we had Jack’s birthday party.
Jack's Party Zone
The date had been chosen to accommodate a few specific people, which had the effect of not accommodating another few people, thus officially canceling out the accommodations. One family actually delayed their travel plans by a day to attend the party. (Thank you!) We held the party at a local gymnasium. Several of our friends take gymnastics there.* We had about 20 kids and their parents attend.
The Cake, by Cakes by Jennifer Sheridan
The party theme was Transformers. Jack chose this theme a few weeks before his 4th birthday. My son’s a planner, all right. Jack dressed as Optimus Prime (a costume we had from last Halloween’s clearance sales). We had Transformer balloons (courtesy of eBay and Party City). We had a Transformers cake (courtesy of Cakes by Jen, Jennifer Sheridan). We did goody bags that were red and put in pink Rice Krispie treats, which we dubbed Energon Cubes. (That’s what Transformers eat.) Some of the kids got Transformers board books, some got Transformers activity books, some got Transformers Band-Aids, and some got something completely different. (The 2 older girls and 2 of my friends’ daughters who have specific likes.) We had them covered in Transformer stickers.
I think everyone had a good time. The kids played for an hour, then ate for about 15 minutes, then went to open presents.
The playing took place all over the gym. I think the biggest attraction was the foam pit, even for the adults. (One of my friends suggested that we get all of the adults into the pit for a picture, but I just wasn’t that organized today.) Jack liked the rope swing.
Getting ready to play
Jack on the rope swing
When it came to cake time, I was prepared! We had candles that matched the party’s colors (red and purple) and they sparkled. Jack’s friend Avery wanted to be a part of the action, so she hung out at the cake table with Jack while we sang. And, for the first time ever, I got a picture of my son blowing out his candles! Triumphant Mommy!
The cake with candles
Jack blowing out the candles
Jack and his cake
Party time!
Because the candles sparkled, he did need a little help from an older friend. And they kind of blew a spark onto Avery. Oops! But I’m sure Avery forgave us because we gave her Strawberry Shortcake Band-Aids.
The opening presents got a little boring for the kids, well, except for Jack. Jack once again made out like a bandit. We have so many generous friends! Between the party and the packages that have been rolling in from friends and family over the last 2 weeks, Jack is the proud owner of 6 new Transformers, 24 colors of Play-Doh, 5 new books, a gift card to Barnes & Noble, a habitat for the Zhu Zhu pet he got for Christmas, 2 new Color Wonder sets, a dinosaur egg/volcano, 2 new games, a ukulele, a puzzle, a Star Wars vehicle, a Lego table, and a Boston Red Sox jersey.
A happy Jack opening his presents
I plan to do a separate post on Jack’s Transformers, that’s how many he has and how into them he is. Jack was very excited to get a gift card. I got a lot of gift cards for Christmas, and he felt left out. He understands that they’re essentially “money”. We may go to the B&N in Walnut Creek tomorrow. One friend gave him a $2 bill, which he wants to spend instead of save for the kitsch value. When we got home, Jack wanted Max to put together the habitat, then transform the Transformers. While Max did that, he and I put together the Lego table, which will be put to good use. (No more sitting on the bamboo floor sorting Legos, woo hoo!)
The party went well, everyone seemed happy. I tried to get a picture of everyone who attended. I think that some of Jack’s school friends we may not see again next year. The whole Jack going to Kindergarten thing is such a big change.
* Jack won’t take gymnastics again because he had a bad experience with gymnastics through the City of Antioch.
Fare Thee Well
29 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in not kids Tags: family, funeral, o'connors, uncle lowell
My Uncle Lowell and I at my 16th birthday party
My Uncle Lowell passed away last weekend, January 23. He was 78. It was very sudden. Uncle Lowell was my Dad’s oldest sister’s husband. They have four sons – Vern, Mike, Joe, and David. Vern and Joe are fairly local, while Mike lives in Texas with his wife and two kids and David lives in Oregon with his family. My Aunt Wallie and Uncle Lowell live(d) in Fairfield, which is about an hour away.
As a child, I remember going to Aunt Wallie & Uncle Lowell’s. Uncle Lowell was a geologist. In fact, I only found out today that his work was not geology, but at the oil refinery. I always thought he was a geologist by profession. Anyway, Uncle Lowell had a whole room devoted to his rocks. He used to give Ann and me rocks – I have an amethyst, a small sapphire, a quartz crystal, and I think Ann got a really tiny opal in a vial, as well as a geode. We really loved the rock room, though it was a bit spooky.
Uncle Lowell was corny as all get out. He loved to tell the same silly jokes – all. the. time. But he could be genuinely funny, and he was truly a Nice Guy ™. He and my aunt raised four great guys.
My Dad, Max, Jackson, and I all went to Uncle Lowell’s memorial service today. All four of the boys were there, as were most of the grandkids. I forgot my camera. At a Matoney event (Mom’s side) forgetting your camera just means that you have to convince Aunt Carol to send you the contents of her camera’s memory card. At a Nace event, apparently no one remembers a camera. (I do think my Aunt Terry got a few pictures.) I did have my cell phone, so I took some blurry pictures with it. I’m going to share them here. You can click a thumbnail to get a bigger picture.
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- My cousin Joe, Jackson, my second cousin Alyssa, my Dad
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- My second cousins Mandi & Alyssa speaking at the service
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- Jack got to pet one of the doves they released
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- The O’Connor family before the dove release
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- My cousin Mike & me
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- My Aunt Wallie with her sons David, Joe, Mike, & Vern
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- My second cousins Karina, Marc, & Alyssa
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- My Uncle Lowell and I at my 16th birthday party
Another One Bites the Dust… But Two More Look Promising
26 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in adoption Tags: adoption, process
Adoption Associates Inc (MI): Doesn’t work with gay and lesbian parents. I know we’re neither gay nor lesbian, but we don’t want to patronize an agency that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation. Of course, we may not have much of a choice. So I requested an information packet. *@*(^* principles!
I got their info packet today. They have many requirements for adoptive parents. They also require parents to attend a consultation in Michigan.
Family to Family (TX): Works mostly with families in TX. I wrote that I didn’t like the tone of their web site. Either they changed it, or my ideas have changed, because I don’t hate it now. Might want to contact them…
It was their PDF content that I didn’t like. Very presumptuous. Texas also has additional fingerprint requirements, plus we don’t really want to go to Texas. Travel = money.
One World Adoption Services (FL): I actually have to call this one. I forgot.
I did call, and the woman was very nice. Apparently, there aren’t any fees up-front, so that helps. On the other hand, all of their adoptions are in FL, so that means travel. But, FL allows you to finalize over the phone, so it’s just the one trip. And, you know, Florida has Disney World and Harry Potter. So, I sent them our home study.
Nightlight Adoption: Hasn’t returned my email messages, but I’m going to call them.
I did call, and talked to a woman for 49 minutes. The upfront fee is high ($1000), but their overall fees fall within our budget. Almost all of their adoptions are in CA, which means little to no travel, and no ICPC. The woman was honest in telling me that wanting a girl will mean a longer wait.
So, we did get something accomplished today.
Now, I’m going to print out a birthday banner and goody bag labels.
So Many Agencies… And Yet
25 Jan 2011 4 Comments
in adoption Tags: agencies, process
I may have mentioned (several times) that we tried to sign with Pact, then they decided not to allow parents to specify gender. Since then, I’ve been researching agencies and other adoption professionals, trying to find someone who meets our requirements, and we theirs. As a way of remembering what I’ve done, I thought I’d write a blog post about all the adoption service providers I’ve looked into.
I started with the list of Agencies That Receive Compliments that I posted on our web site.
- ABC Adoptions (VA): No longer do domestic adoptions.
- Abrazzo Adoption Associates (TX): Requires adoptive parents to be infertile.
- Adoption Access (TX): Charges different fees based on the race of the child, aka practices racial discounting.
- Adoption Advisory (TX): Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender, and doesn’t like completely open adoptions. They also practice racial discounting.
- Adoption ARC (PA): Charges an agency fee of $23,000, plus another $3,500 for the legal. That doesn’t include travel.
- Adoption Associates Inc (MI): Doesn’t work with gay and lesbian parents. I know we’re neither gay nor lesbian, but we don’t want to patronize an agency that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation. Of course, we may not have much of a choice. So I requested an information packet. *@*(^* principles!
- Adoption Bridges of Kentucky: Currently charges $27,000 for domestic adoption.
- Adoption By Gentle Care (OH): Works only with Ohio birthmothers.
- Adoption By Shepherd Care (FL): Actually, I can’t remember what the problem with this one is. So, it’s a good thing I’m going back through these.
- Adoption Choice (WI): Hasn’t emailed me back, though I’ve emailed them twice.
- Adoption Circle (OH): Requires attendance at orientation in Columbus, OH.
- Adoptions From the Heart (PA): Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
- Adoptions Together: Primarily places infants from the DC area, which can get pricey with travel and ICPC. Still, it’s worth noting.
- Adoptions with Love (MA): Only works with MA families.
- American Adoptions (KS): Doesn’t work with gay and lesbian parents.
- American Adoptions (MI): Practices racial discounting, as well as charges a $3000 fee for specifying gender.
- A Bond of Love (FL): Hasn’t emailed me back.
- Bundle of Hope (FL): Doesn’t work with gay and lesbian parents.
- CASI Foundation for Children (ID): The only problem with this agency is that they’re in Idaho. I think I’ll talk with them further about the locations of the birthmothers.
- Childplace (IN): Prefers Church of Christ members.
- Children’s Connections (TX): Serves Texas families.
- Children’s Home Society (MO): Is in MO. This means travel costs.
- Christian Adoption Services (NC): Prefers to place children in NC.
- The Cradle (IL): Total fees are somewhere around $30,000.
- Family Resource Center (IL): Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
- Family to Family (TX): Works mostly with families in TX. I wrote that I didn’t like the tone of their web site. Either they changed it, or my ideas have changed, because I don’t hate it now. Might want to contact them…
- Friends in Adoption (VT): Requires parents to attend orientation in VT, and doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
- Gladney Center for Adoption (TX): Practices racial discounting.
- A Guardian Angel (UT): I was completely turned off by this sentence from their web site, “The social work staff will work closely with the nursing staff to insure the birth mother is ready to sign.”
- Hands to Hold (OK): We’ve signed with.
- Heart of Adoptions (FL): Doesn’t work with gay or lesbian parents, and may practice racial discounting.
- Heart to Heart Adoptions (UT): Practices racial discounting.
- Heaven Sent Adoptions: We’ve signed with.
- Independent Adoption Center (CA): Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
- Keane Center (MI): Works with Michigan families only.
- Kids First Adoption (IN): New to domestic adoptions, and most birthmothers are in IN and KY.
- Little Bit of Heaven (OH): We’ve signed with.
- Lutheran Family and Children’s Services of Missouri: Is in MO. This means travel costs.
- Lutheran Social Services of Minnesota: Works with Minnesota families only.
- Lutheran Social Services of Texas: Works with Texas families only.
- Methodist Mission Home (TX): Charges $26,500.
- Morning Star Adoption (MI): Serves Michigan families.
- New Beginnings: Offers international adoptions only.
- One World Adoption Services (FL): I actually have to call this one. I forgot.
- An Open Door (GA): Most of the birthmothers are in GA, which means travel costs.
- Pact (CA): Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
- PLAN Loving Adoptions Now: Stopped providing domestic adoption services.
- Project Cuddle: We’re probably going to apply to be a rescue family. I have to call our home study agency to ask a few questions about legal matters.
- Special Link (NC): Almost all of their placements are in the Southeast.
- Spence-Chapin (NY): Works with NY families only.
- Transitions Adoption (PA): Only works with 5 families at a time.
- Vista Del Mar (CA): Only works with local families.
- Wide Horizons for Children: Only works with families in New England & New York.
- WACAP (WA): Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
Then I looked into professionals in California.
- Chicks In Crisis: Is a possibility, but they place far more boys than girls.
- Heartsent Adoptions: Didn’t return my phone calls.
- Chrysalis House: Doesn’t get many birthmothers, but will be happy to add us to their waiting families list.
- Women’s Health Specialists: Don’t allow parents to specify gender.
- Sacramento Adoption Center: I’m not sure if I’ve ever encountered such a rude individual outside of ANLC.
- AdoptHelp: Is very, very expensive.
- Nightlight Adoption: Hasn’t returned my email messages, but I’m going to call them.
- Adoption Consultants Inc: I’m going to call our home study agency about her. I can’t find anything bad about her on the Internet, which makes me suspicious. I’m so jaded.
- Adopt-Now: I have read that they’re rather hit or miss. Sometimes they’re excellent, sometimes they’re really not. I keep an eye on their available situations page.
And I’ve been looking at other agencies and professionals that I’ve seen recommended.
- A Bundle of Joy: Doesn’t allow parents to specify gender.
- Open Adoption & Family Services (OR/WA): Doesn’t get a lot of (or any) African American birth parents.
- Beacon House (MA): Practices racial discounting. Also, their materials are a bit offensive.
Family History Tuesday: Grandparents
20 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in family history Tags: family, grandparents, memories, photos
Almost every Tuesday, Dede offers question(s) or idea(s) to spark a memory to capture for your children, grandchildren, family, and friends.
This week’s prompt: Describe your favorite memories about your grandparents.
My mom’s mom died in May 1980. (Actually, my mom’s funeral was on the anniversary of her death.) I was only 4-1/2. I have a lot of impressions of “Grandma Missestoney”, but only a couple of concrete memories. My favorite involves pushing my sister into a towel rack. You see, I was chasing Ann (probably age 2) through the house. She ran into the kitchen and I pushed her. She hit her head on the towel rack on the kitchen/garage door. She needed to go to the ER, so my mom dropped me off at my grandparents’ house. They took me swimming, at Heather Farms Park I think. When we got back to the house, we had dinner. My aunts were there. They were in college, I think. Or maybe Aunt Carol was already working and just living in the Bay Area. Anyway, I remember sitting at the kitchen table with Aunt Carol, Aunt Sue, my mom, my dad, and my grandfather. (Ann must have been there too, but I don’t remember her there. I can really see the others sitting down at their places.) My Grandma was up and down going into the kitchen to get things. Everyone was trying to get me to eat broccoli, which I did not want to do. My grandmother came back from one of her trips to the counter and said, “Leave the girl alone!” or something to that effect.
Grandma Missestoney was an alcoholic. Apparently, she was incredibly mean to my mother. But I only remember her being nice to me. She yelled at me once, for pulling on a pussywillow that she had in a huge vase in front of the fireplace. It was a you’re-going-to-break-something yell, not a mean yell.
My Dad’s mom, Grandma Babica, died in October 1980, so I was 5. The memories I have of her are vague impressions. Most of what I remember is her house, along with her garage. Her husband (my Dad’s stepdad, who died before I was born) built the house and garage himself. There was a peach tree out back, and rose bushes in the front. I know where the house is, but I haven’t been there to see it since I was in college. What I remember about Grandma Babica was that she made Jell-O with peaches from her tree. I remember playing with Ann in the back of the garage, where there were plants. It was dark because the back windows were covered with a ripply green plastic. There were clotheslines hanging across the driveway, and Ann and I used to throw a ball at them. If we hit them, we got a point.
My mom’s Dad, Joe, died in 2005, just a few weeks before Jack was born. I have lots of memories about him, fortunately. He was a truly awesome man, and I wish I had … I guess there are some things that I regret doing. I wanted him to be proud of me. I probably succeeded in some ways, but there are three things I did that I think upset him, and I wish I hadn’t done them. Nothing major, but, I know he was disappointed, and it hurts to think of him being disappointed in me. I went to Carnegie Mellon because he went there when it was Carnegie Tech. I know that made him happy. Hey, it made me happy too! I met Max and learned so much more than I would have here at a UC.
Grandpa remarried after Grandma Missestoney died. At first, his new wife was “Grandma Diane”, but she became “Grandma” by junior high. She’s still here with us. If anyone can live to be 100, Grandma can. I tell Jack that, and it makes him happy. I really hope I’m right. She goes to the Fitness Center almost every day, plays golf, does errands for and with her friends, and she’s in a bunch of clubs and groups. Her social calendar is probably more packed than ours most months. I know this isn’t a memory, just random facts.
Not Chosen
20 Jan 2011 2 Comments
People are always asking, “Any news on the adoption?” Most of the time, the answer is no, not really.
We’re signed with three referral services:
I peruse adoption situations pages daily. That’s actually how we ended up signing with Hands to Hold. Last week, they posted a situation for an “African-American” baby girl due at the end of February. We put our names in. The expectant mom was given our profile, along with others, today (Wednesday).
As you can tell by the title of the post, she didn’t choose us. We were apparently her second choice, which, even if the Hands to Hold rep fibbed, is nice.
As soon as I’ve wrapped up this urgent contract, I’m going to revise our profiles, long and short, and apply to be a rescue family for Project Cuddle. That requires a whole different “Dear Birthmother Letter”. I am daunted.
Our Five Year Old Boy
18 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in birthday Tags: birthday, photos, pottery painting
Yesterday was Jack’s 5th birthday. We’re not having his party until the end of the month. However, he did get two Transformers from Mommy & Daddy to find and play with. We went pottery painting in the afternoon, and then to Fresh Choice, Jack’s favorite restaurant.
We gave him his presents by hiding them and telling him “warmer” and “colder”. When he found his first Transformer, his whole face lit up, “Ratchet! Thank you Mom!” It was really heartwarming. I like choosing the right thing.
Several people called to wish Jack a Happy Birthday while we were out. We’ll call them back later today, I hope. Tomorrow at the latest.
Jack’s school is having the kids bring in pictures of themselves from previous years, so I made a little scrapbook page.
And here is our FIVE year old:
Open Adoption Roundtable: Ignorant Questions About Open Adoption
14 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: adoption
O Solo Mama is an adoption blog that I read from time to time. She recently posted Ignorant Questions About Open Adoption, which I found interesting. And then I thought about it, and I thought that perhaps the answers to these questions are things that expectant parents might like to know. So, I’m going to answer them from my perspective. (Original intro, January 14, 2011.)
Heather from Production, Not Reproduction, decided to make this topic this round’s Open Adoption Roundtable prompt. So, I’m expanding on my answers today, January 26, 2011.
- If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?
There’s not a lot of support for open adoption in the general public. I imagine that it’s even worse for birth mothers. I know some of my friends think I’m strange for contacting S, with at least one saying that she could never do something like that.
Open adoption is a lifelong relationship that people just don’t know how to navigate. We’re often in these relationships with people who are nothing like us. S and I don’t have very much in common, other than a love of music, and of course, Jack. - From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
I can’t answer this question. - I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
I wrote about this at Adoption Blogs. I never worried that Jack would be confused, and he’s not, as far as I can tell. - Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
Never. S has made a lot of poor choices, especially in recent months. Those reinforce my feelings that adoption was absolutely the best choice for Jack. - How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
This is a really difficult situation. S had a son before she had Jack, and then a daughter about 2 years later. On the 20th, she had another son. She chose to parent them all. So far, Jack hasn’t asked why. Explaining is going to be rough, but I do think that he’ll understand when he’s older. I can’t see S helping too much in this area. She doesn’t want me to reveal some of the “adult” truths to Jack, but I feel I need to, in an age appropriate way, to make sure that he knows there’s not anything wrong with him. - Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I think it should be the standard. That is, I don’t think that any parents should agree to a closed adoption before the baby is born and home. I think people don’t always know what they can and cannot cope with. It would be a lot easier to say, for example, “I don’t want any contact for the first 6 months” then to say “I don’t want any contact at all”, and still have a relationship. I read several birthmother blogs by moms who initially wanted a closed adoption, because they thought it would be too hard to have an open one. Then, they realize that not knowing is much harder. But the adoptive parents are like, “Well, too bad.” (Which is still awful of them.) - Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?
I don’t think so. However, I could see an older adoptee needing to change the parameters of the relationship. I’ve read about adult adoptees who couldn’t deal with their birth parents for whatever reason and needing to create boundaries. Even so, I suppose that’s not totally closed, is it?
I do think that maintaining some contact with someone safe is in the best interest of the child. I’m actually Facebook friends with S’s daughter’s father’s mother, in large part because I want to be able to ensure Jack can find his sister if we lose contact with S.
Latest News from the Chittister Household
11 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in conversation, everyday, update Tags: daddy, house, job, profile, transformers, work
The latest news is, the Chittister household is very messy! Many of my friends and family have been requesting add-on pictures, and I will post some this weekend. We now have a room with wooden walls, and our dining room has an L-shape cut out of the ceiling. Firefly figured out how to get in there. Silly kitty!
Still no news on the adoption front. I need to update a few of our profile pics with pics from Christmas, and I want to polish up our small profile. I don’t like it as much as I could. It could be better. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to let me know. Oh, but it all has to be in color.
I have a new gig! I’ve been a contractor for Avanquest, the company for which I was a full-time writer. They’re light on projects at this time of year. Out of the blue, a wonderful recruiter called me and asked if I could interview for a short-term, immediate contract in Sacramento. The client wanted someone on-site, but that’s 70+ miles away, so I said no. After they saw my resume, they thought they might be able to accommodate me being off-site, so I interviewed. I really thought they were going to pass, because of the off-site thing. And I was bummed, because I really liked the client and the people with whom I’d be working. But I got the gig! I had to be in Sacramento today and have to be there again tomorrow, but after that, I don’t necessarily need to be on-site. I really like the people I’m working with, and I’m sorry that Sac isn’t closer. Hopefully, they’ll be happy with my work and want to continue.
In fact, the recruiter comes from a company, and I’m an employee now! This is a Good Thing ™. Although I truly like my Avanquest manager, I’m concerned about their lack of projects since a sort of re-org this past spring. It will be good to have more irons in the fire. The recruiter I’m working with is terribly nice and efficient too.
I’m going to finish with a story from Max:
Max and Jack were watching Transformers Animated. The character Bumblebee said that the human Sari had “followed me home”, so Max said, “Can I keep her?” just before Bumblebee did. Jack thought that this made Daddy smart. In fact, when Max recounted the story to me, I told Jack, “See? Daddy’s smart!” Jack replied, “He’s friggin’ cool!”
Now, I know the use of the term “friggin’” is controversial, but Jack’s use in this instance really was, well, friggin cool!
Our little boy is getting bigger every day!
Open Adoption Roundtable #22: Another New Year
10 Jan 2011 1 Comment
in open adoption roundtable Tags: blog, open adoption
Note: I decided to leave AdoptionBlogs.com, so I’m out here on my own these days.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.
One year ago many of us answered the question, “How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?”
If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update.
And whether or not you participated last year, tell us about your open adoption hopes or commitments in 2011.
In my post from last January, I said:
I could say that I’m going to work at getting letters and pictures out more frequently.
I sort of did. I sent 3 packages this year instead of 2, so I guess that’s progress, right?
I need to find a way to be honest with S.
That didn’t work so well. I relayed some of my concerns in a different Open Adoption Roundtable. S saw it, and was concerned that I might be getting too adult in my explanations. Since then, she hasn’t had her own phone number, and I’m not really sure what to say anyway. I pray for her and her children, because they’re not in a safe situation. I wish I could do something about that, but I can’t. Would being completely open with S help her or the kids? Somehow I doubt it.
On a very small level, I need to investigate the possibility of getting a photo of Jack’s birth father,
I did find out a bit more about Jack’s birthfather this year. It won’t be dangerous to contact him, though I still don’t know where he is to do so. Still, it’s good to know it’s at least an option at some point.
When we look for an agency for our next adoption, we will not choose one that discriminates against people. We will likely not choose one that discounts based on race…
We’re actively not using an agency that charges fees based on race. (I intend to write more about that odious practice.) We’re finding that our choices of agencies are limited because we want to adopt a girl, but also because we’re not churchgoers and because we don’t want to work with agencies that won’t work with GLBT individuals. One agency I talked to flies all of “their birthmothers” to Utah and has them induced for the convenience of the adoptive families. GAH! Another advertises that they make sure the birthmother is ready to sign the TPR. What does that mean exactly? Because when I hear that, I hear “coercion”.
I am also trying to get out of the realm of my experience, and learn more about the experiences of others.
I have been reading a lot more adoption-related blogs this year, including blogs by adoptees and birth parents. I still stay away from the anti-adoption blogs, because I just can’t handle that kind of negativity and sometimes stupidity. But not all of the blogs I read are sunshine and roses, and I’m learning a lot. (I should probably provide a list or do a blog roll over on the right side of my blog. Another item for the to-do list.)
In 2011, I’m just going to keep trying to work on what I was working on in 2010. I really want to find a way to communicate with S and help her kids. I want to find an agency that supports all of the people in the adoption process, without discrimination or degradation. And of course, I want to learn more so I can be a better (adoptive) parent.
